May 16, 2064, 2230 Commodore Ross’ Quarters

“Go over this one more time for me Doctor,” Commodore Ross rubbed his sore head. Not only was Operation Roundhammer heating up, but Kirkwood and McQueen were in his office with an outlandish idea that made his skin crawl. “This time in English, please.”

“Okay,” Jenny took a deep breath and looked over to McQueen for support. “This is a comparison of DNA from five different people. The first three are from people who have never had addiction to phyllophetamines, two of which are in-vitros, one of which I know has taken Greens for pain relief.”

Jenny went back over her theory, building her case as best she could. If what she thought was true, then Aerotech or someone working for them had done gene manipulation to produce in-vitros that could be easily controlled by giving them an addiction to Greens.

“You’re telling me that you think this is what was in your research that made it so important someone would kill for?” Ross looked at Jenny thoughtfully.

“That is assuming we haven’t been chasing our tails,” Jenny smiled. “There could be nothing here to begin with. I don’t know anymore, but this is all I’ve been able to come up with.”

“What do you think, Ty?” Ross turned to his friend who had been silent up until now.

“Sir, I don’t know what to believe either,” McQueen shook his head. “When Jen showed me this last night I was skeptical, but my DNA mapping showed the same as Hawkes’. And I’ve never trusted Aerotech.”

“Commodore,” Jen cut in. “If this extra amino acid has anything to do with phyllophetamine addiction, it would be a reason for recall of the drug. As far as I’m concerned that’s reason enough to pursue it. No more men and women given a medication to help them by an unthinking in-utero, and ending up addicted.”

“Okay,” Ross looked from McQueen to Kirkwood. “I’m going to send this on to General Savage. This isn’t to be discussed outside of this room. Dr. Kirkwood do I have all the disks I gave you?”

“Yes, Sir,” Jen indicated to the pile on his desk. “And the one with my report on it.”

“Good work, Doctor,” Ross nodded.

“I don’t know about that, Sir,” Jenny reached for her bracelet, then noticed both men watching her hands, dropped them to her sides. “The thought that someone might have created this problem for financial gain, makes me sick to my stomach.”

Ross looked from McQueen to Jenny. They were sitting as far apart as possible. Unlike the last time they had been in his office, McQueen made no attempt to give the Doctor any support.

“You said it yourself last night, ‘lab rats’,” McQueen’s icy voice cut across the room.

“NO!” Jenny stood, hands on her hips facing the Colonel, forgetting that Ross was there. “Don’t you ever refer to yourself in that derogatory manner again, or any other in-vitro. You are a man, a human being, no different from any other person on this ship!” She turned away and caught the shocked look on Ross’ face. “I apologize Sir,” she whispered. “I’m just so sick of fighting this fight.”

“Then maybe it’s time you gave it up?” McQueen whispered from behind her.

“What?” she spun around. “I can’t change what I believe.”

“Even when it costs you so much?” McQueen pushed. “When it makes people hurt you? Hate you? When it could cost you your life?”

“Even then.” She turned to Ross, “Sir, may I be excused? I don’t believe there is anything I can add to this conversation, that hasn’t already been said.”

“Jen,” McQueen called out as she moved to the door.

“No, Ty,” she turned glaring at him. “I’ve never expected you to be other then you are. How can you expect me to be less then I am?” She turned away from McQueen, unable to look him in the eyes any longer. Then whispered raggedly, “it’s already cost me far more then you’ll ever know.”

The door clicked shut as she left. For once I’m doing the walking out, she thought. Heading for her quarters. She felt again, all the loss she had felt when he had walked out on her in Houston. Never again would she let a man break her heart!

“McQueen!” Ross glared at his friend. “What the hell was that all about? I’ve never seen you be knowingly cruel, before!”

“Cruel? She doesn’t have a clue what she’s walking into,” McQueen turned to his friend. “Sir, if anyone hears about what’s in her report, she’s as good as dead. Letting that happen would be cruel!”

“You think Jenny may have stumbled onto the root of all this mess, too?” Ross wasn’t sure if he was angered or relieved that McQueen thought as he did.

“There are too many odd things happening recently for me to be comfortable,” McQueen walked to the porthole and gazed out at the stars. “Did you know she was mugged at an In-Vitro Rights Rally a year ago? It wasn’t someone out to rob her, they wanted to hurt her, and they did.”

“Oh my God! That’s why she was on sick leave when the war started?” Ross poured a drink for himself and one for McQueen.

“Yes Sir,” the Colonel took a drink from his glass. “And that fight earlier in the month? She shouldn’t have gotten hurt like she did.”

“You think there was more to it than meets the eye,” Ross moved to his safe with the mini-disks.

“Nothing I can prove, or those men would have spent their time in irons in Sickbay, instead of the brig.” McQueen finished his drink and put his glass on the Commodore’s desk. “I wish you would wait to send those disks on to Savage, Sir. If someone wasn’t trying to kill her before, they’ll be after her when those go public.”

“Ty,” Ross sighed. “I’ve got to send this on to General Savage, the ramifications are too great. He’ll handle it quietly, he’s not stupid. Besides, if we let it go, can you imagine the public fuss Dr. Kirkwood would raise? That would really put her in danger. As long as we keep her here on the Saratoga, and let Savage deal with this back on Earth, we minimize her risk.”

“You trust him that much, Sir?” McQueen turned to his friend.

“With my life!”

“But this is Jen’s life we’re talking about.” McQueen felt something move in himself. A barrier stretched very thin. He could almost see through it. He knew if he could, he’d understand what had been nagging at him for months. But as quickly as the barrier had thinned, it thickened again and became an impenetrable wall.

“I realize that. I don’t want her hurt either, but this needs to be done.” Ross sighed, not liking the situation any better than McQueen did. “Now you get some sleep. You haven’t had much lately, and it’s showing. We have a busy time ahead of us in the next few weeks.”

---

May 20, 2064 Saratoga

The shit had good and truly hit the fan. The 15th Earth Fleet was amassing in the Pegasus Sector for a major assault: the first step in Operation Roundhammer. The Saratoga had been chosen as War Operations Headquarters for the retaking of an airstrip on Demios. One couldn’t walk down a corridor without running into an officer of Fleet Rank. If the Chigs had known, they could have wiped out a major part of the command structure of Earth Forces by taking out the Saratoga.

Ross had been right when he said that there were busy weeks ahead of them. McQueen was grateful for that. As long as he kept busy he didn’t think about Jen and what had almost happened in his quarters the week before. It was at night when his mind was too tired to keep thoughts of her out, that they slipped in uninvited. I don’t have time for this, he muttered as he punched his pillow. I’m a soldier, that is my ‘genuine path’. But why do thoughts of Jen keep slipping in when I least expect them?

---

May 21, 2064 Saratoga - 2100 hours

McQueen was feeling old, very old. Today he had spoken like a soldier, spoken with his head, but his heart may very well pay the price. The invasion of Demios had been a disaster! With every second that passed the Saratoga was going further and further away from all that had become important to McQueen in the last year. The 15th fleet was heading toward Ixion, a planet 50 AU’s away from the Chig’s home planet. In doing so, it was leaving 25,000 troops trapped on Demios. Among those men and women were the Wildcards.

“Ty,” Ross joined McQueen in an almost deserted mess hall. A yellow Marine Corps telegram gripped in the Commodore’s hand. He saw his friend pull back in surprise. “No, this isn’t for you. Don’t worry. After they checked in at 1900, nothing else was heard.”

“I always thought I was safe from those things,” McQueen gripped his coffee mug. “I guess I was wrong.”

“I got the list from the Eisenhower,” Ross stopped, remembering the long list of names from the destroyed carrier. “Joan Brill’s daughter, Donna, was CMO on that ship. I’ve just come from there now. Jenny went with me, thank goodness. Joan took one look at the telegram in my hand, thanked me, and then asked me to leave. I could hear her crying through the hatch.”

“Any chance she’s on planet?” McQueen wasn’t sure which would be easier, knowing right away, or this terrible waiting.

“No,” the Commodore sighed. “They hadn’t dropped medical personnel yet.”

They sat drinking coffee, neither man talking, each remembering the angry words that had passed between them earlier in the day. Each glad the other was there.

“Ty,” Ross cleared his throat and looked up at his friend. “I’m sorry about what I said this morning. You were right, you know? You were only saying what we all knew to be right, but didn’t want to say.”

“Sir, in theory those words were right.” McQueen tapped the yellow envelope sitting between them, “but this isn’t theory.” The ‘deathgram’ sitting between them made the Colonel wonder how he could have spoken out so vehemently, twelve hours earlier, on the military advantages of leaving Demios in favor of Ixion.

“Glen,” Jenny joined the men at the table. She was pale and they could see she’d been crying. “Joan’s resting now, I gave her something to help her sleep. I’ll take this,” she pocketed the telegram. “Joan’ll want it when she’s thinking clearly.”

McQueen handed her his half full coffee cup and she took it gratefully. Wrapping her hands around it to keep them warm as she drank the strong black liquid.

“Thanks for the help,” Ross hated that part of his job.

“I think she knew already, there were so many rumors circulating about the Eisenhower. Take it from me, confirmation is easier than the uncertainty of not knowing.” Jen’s eyes filled for a moment as she remembered what it was like to wait. The days and hours she’d spent wandering the cliffs above Catalina Harbor. The momentary relief she’d felt when she read Ty’s name, followed by tears.

“You were a big help,” Ross smiled at her, knowing that she was remembering a loss of her own, he wished he could ask her about it. “Joan’s been in the military so long, that my presence was forcing her to act like an officer, but with you, she was able to act like a woman.”

“I’m glad I was able to be there. She’s my friend.” Jenny closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “she’d do it for me.” She looked into the empty coffee cup, anything to keep from looking at the face she really wanted to look at. “I finished your coffee, sorry, Ty.”

“That’s okay,” McQueen breathed a sigh of relief. They hadn’t exchanged a word that wasn’t necessary for their jobs, since he’d angered her in Ross’ office. “You looked like you needed it more then I did,” he smiled. “Besides, I’ve had enough of it today to fuel the Saratoga for a month.”

“How’re you holding up?” She covered his hand with hers.

“Doing what needs to be done,” he answered cryptically, giving her hand a small squeeze, before breaking contact.

“As your doctor, I say cut back on the caffeine,” she smiled at McQueen, understanding his need to keep a tight reign on himself. “But as your friend, I say do what ever it takes to get you through.”

Jenny pulled her eyes away from McQueen’s. Ross was watching them closely. She quickly regrouped and slipped into doctor mode to pull her wall back in place.

“You two look exhausted,” she looked from one to the other. “If we’re to get back there anytime soon,” Jenny’s voice broke as she spoke of Demios. “You’ll need your wits about you in the coming days, get some sleep tonight, Doctor’s orders........And please, when you hear from them,” she spoke to both men, but was looking at Ty. “Keep me posted? I mean either way, good or bad.”

Ross was about to speak when he heard McQueen’s soft voice, “Jen, you’ll know what we do, I promise.”

“Thanks, Ty,” she met his eyes, then got up quickly and left.

“I wonder who’s there for her when she needs it?” Ross watched the Doctor leave the mess hall.

“Sir?” McQueen looked inquiringly at his friend and commanding officer.

“She dips into that well of strength of hers so often,” Ross was still watching where the woman had left the room. “I wonder who listens to her cry?” Then to test a theory he added, “there was a time when I’d have liked it to be me.” He hid a slight grin when he saw McQueen's hands tighten on the empty coffee mug. Too bad those two were still in love with other people, Ross thought. That’s a friendship that had possibilities, if either of them looked further than the pain they were carrying around.

---

Planet Demios, June 20, 2064, 1800 hours

Wang and Damphousse were in a small cave guarding the radio. Vansen, West, and Hawkes had gone to investigate debris that had fallen on Demios earlier that day.

“They’ll be back soon,” Wang pushed his dirty hair out of his eyes. He was exhausted. The only thing that kept him going was remembering McQueen’s words to him in a darkened mess hall weeks ago. “It’s almost time for check-in.”

“Shane’ll be back for that, she’d check in from hell, if she could find a way to take the radio with her,” ‘Phousse grinned at Paul. Their eyes held for a moment, then they both looked quickly away.

“Vanessa...”

“Paul, don’t say it,” she warned, panic in her voice.

“I don’t want one of us to go through life, regretting it not being said,” he whispered.

“Either we all live, or we all die,” ‘Phousse grabbed his shoulder. “No one is going to regret anything!”

“Then since we’re all going to live,” Paul smiled at her. “I want you to know that I think we made the wrong decision when we got back from R&R. When we get off this hellish rock and have some time to ourselves, I’m going to prove it to you.”

“Paul?” Vanessa’s jaw dropped open as her heart warmed.

“I care about you, Vanessa, I care about you a great deal,” he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Live or die, there is no one I would rather be with right now.”

‘Phousse only had time to shake her head in agreement, as West called out the recognition code.

“We struck gold, man,” Hawkes grinned as he pulled his pack off. “K-rations! A whole box full. That makes five cans each.”

“Easy guys,” Vansen warned. “We need to make those last. Who knows when we’ll find more. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of eating grubs.”

“Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever look at sushi the same again,” West laughed as he helped Coop divide up the cans while Vansen and Damphousse put through the nightly call to the Saratoga.

An hour later they huddled in the cave, as rain poured down outside. For the first time since they had been left there a month ago, their spirits were lifted.

“I never thought K-rations would taste like a gourmet meal,” ‘Phousse rubbed her stomach. “All we needed was a bottle of wine to make it complete.”

“May I suggest to the ladies,” Paul bowed his head to Shane and Vanessa, and used a mangled French accent. “The ’60 Sarah, it’s a full bodied wine, but won’t overpower the flavor of preservatives found in the K-rations of the day.”

“Don’t even talk to me about wine,” Shane held up her hand as she grinned. “I can’t believe the headache I had after that party with Dr. Kirkwood.”

“You,” ‘Phousse giggled softly. “Jenny was a bit green for two days!”

“So?” Coop looked slyly at the two women. “What do you guys talk about when it’s just the women?”

“Probably the same things you do,” Shane challenged. “When it’s just the you, West, Wang and McQueen.”

“McQueen?” Nathan looked at Shane in surprise. “He doesn’t talk to anybody, at least not like you mean.”

“He does to Jenny,” ‘Phousse was looking off in the distance, trying to clear cobwebs from her memory. “Talk to her about important things, I mean.”

“To Jenny?” Hawkes couldn’t picture it. “How do you know?”

“I don’t know,” Vanessa shook her head. “I just do.”

“Hold it there,” Paul put his hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t more ESP is it?”

“No, no!” She shook her head. “There’s been no more of that, thank goodness. It’s something I think I overheard, them.....talking about....”

“Not the Colonel,” Hawkes interrupted. “Jenny’s natural-born. He says in-vitros and natural-borns don’t mix. At least not, well you know, men and women type things.”

“I guess ‘once burned, twice shy,” Vansen sighed. “We better turn in, we’re off at first light tomorrow. We’ve hidden here for too long already. I’ll take the first watch.”

---

The Saratoga June 20, 2064, 1945 hours

McQueen and Jenny were finishing dinner. They met in the mess hall as soon after the 58th’s 1900 call in as they could. Many nights, one was leaving as the other would arrive, and there would be time for nothing more than a quick exchange of news. Often neither made it due to heavy fighting and a backlog in Sickbay. But they were becoming a regular sight in the mess, the Colonel and the Doctor.

“They’re still cut off from other troops,” McQueen took a bite of food that he wasn’t tasting. “But some good news, tonight they found a rations drop that hadn’t completely burned on entry.”

“How do they sound, Ty?” Jen put down her fork, her appetite completely gone.

“I can’t tell through all the static,” he shook his head and threw down his fork. “Damn, how much longer can this go on?”

“Some Marine I once knew told me, ‘it takes as long it takes,’” Jen murmured, remembering what McQueen had told her during their first mission on the Yorktown, when they had both been with the Angry Angels.

“Sounds like a guy that’s big on military theory,” he grunted, recognizing his own words.

“I always thought he was a pretty smart guy,” Jen added. “He also knows the right thing usually isn’t the easy thing.”

“How’s Joan doing?” McQueen changed the subject, not wanting to think about all he could lose if they didn’t take Ixion soon.

“As well as can be expected,” Jen shrugged. “Some days are easier for her than others. She heard from her younger daughter, Caroline, this morning. Caroline works at the Pentagon, so there’s little chance she’ll get sent out here, which is a big relief to Joan.”

“Give her my best, will you? I need to be getting back,” he stood.

“I do too,” Jen got up too, they both looked at the uneaten food on their plates and shrugged. “Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.” McQueen walked away, it was as close to a promise as he could give her. ................................. July 23 2064, Saratoga, 1935 hours

The night before, the 58th’s radio message, ‘that they had retaken the airstrip on Demios,’ had turned the tide of battle. Tonight there was no message from the five stranded Marines. Joan Brill’s heart had hurt for Jenny as she had watched McQueen come stiffly into Sickbay, as the doctor was getting ready to meet him for dinner. They had talked quietly in Jen’s office. Joan didn’t need to hear the words to know that there had been no transmission received tonight. The grim expression on the Colonel’s face had said it all. ................................ July 24, 2064 Saratoga 0130 hours

Joan watched as Jenny Kirkwood walked out of Sickbay. The young woman had been on duty for the last 17 hours as the battle to take Ixion raged on. The word from the bridge was that Earth was on the offensive again, instead of fighting to defend the small amount of space they had taken in the first few days of the attack.

Jenny didn’t realize where she was going when she left Sickbay. All she knew was that she had to get out of there for a while. She was surprised to find herself standing in front of the door with the flushed out cards painted on it. Caressing the insignia she smiled as she punched the door code. A little surprised to discover that it hadn’t been changed since she was quartered here months ago.

Standing in the dark room, she could almost hear breathing nearby. Closing her eyes she smiled at her fanciful imagination. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could feel them as well as hear them.

Walking over to Damphousse’s upper bunk, she rested her aching head. Reaching her arms out until they were stretched almost the length of the bunk, her hands gripping the blanket. She could feel the tears well up. At first they ran down her face in silence. Wetting her cheeks and the blanket below them. Finally her breathing became jagged and rough as she let herself go, knowing she was alone. No one to see her weakness. Only ghosts in the room and stars outside.

The incessant buzzing on her wrist unit broke through her misery as she realized Sickbay was trying to reach her again. Straightening, she wiped her face, neatened ‘Phousse’s blanket, squared her shoulders and went back to work.

Stepping out from the shadows on the opposite side of the room, the man in the Angel black flightsuit, watched her leave. He realized he could finally answer Glen Ross’ question from two months ago. “I do Glen,” McQueen muttered into the darkness. “I listen to her cry.” He wanted to go to her badly, but he was afraid that if he touched her, he wouldn’t want to stop. ............................... August 7, 2064 Ross’ Quarters, Saratoga, 2300 hours

Twelve days earlier the flag of the United Nations of Earth was raised over Ixion. The Saratoga turned back to Demios to finish what had been started two and half months earlier.

“I know I said I’d drink that glass of rum when the battle for Ixion was over,” Ross pointed to a half-full shot glass that was sitting on his desk. “But I don’t consider that battle over until we see what’s left on Demios.”

“Sir,” McQueen’s mouth tightened as he tried not to think how many days it had been since he had heard from the Wildcards. “I want to go with the Search and Rescue team that goes to the airstrip.”

“I figured you would,” Ross looked at his friend across the desk. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

“I have to be!” McQueen had refused Ross’s offer of a drink, needing to be cold sober.

“No you don’t,” the Commodore watched McQueen lock out his emotions. “If they aren’t there. If we can’t find them, Ty. Don’t shut them out. Don’t do that to their memory.”

“But I...”

“You gave sound military advice, as a soldier, which is as it should be.” Ross was tired, but he knew McQueen was still being eaten by guilt over what he had said two months ago. “Knowing what you know now, would you speak differently than you did back at Demios?”

“I don’t know Sir,” McQueen looked Ross in the eyes. “I guess that depends on what I find on Demios.

“Get some sleep,” Ross advised. “No matter what you find down there tomorrow, it’s not going to be easy.”

---

2330 The Wildcards’ Quarters

McQueen quietly let himself into his squad’s quarters. As the hatch closed behind him he heard a noise and reached for the light with one hand, his pocket, where his butterfly knife was kept, with the other.

“No, please, no light,” Jenny Kirkwood uncurled from the bunk that had been hers and then Kelly Winslow’s

“What are you doing here?” McQueen leaned against the hatch, not sure if he was more embarrassed at being caught, or relieved because there was someone else to join him in his vigil.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Jen shrugged. “The door code hasn’t been changed since I moved out.”

“I couldn’t sleep either,” he rubbed his eyes with his left hand as he began to move restlessly around the room. “I can’t remember the last time I got more than two consecutive hours of sleep.

Getting up from the bunk and carefully neatening the blanket, Jen turned to the tired man, “I’ll leave you in private, then.”

“No, Jen stay, please,” McQueen moved to Coop’s bunk and sat. “You left too quickly the last time.”

“The last time?” Jen walked over to him, wanting to be close, wanting to sit beside him, but not having the courage. “You know I’ve been here before?”

“I saw you the night...,” he looked around, having a hard time talking about that night. “The first night they didn’t transmit.”

“Oh,” she gasped.

“Jen, it’s okay,” McQueen reached for her. “Sit down,” he tried to pull her to the bunk beside him, but she moved to the deck at his feet.

“I didn’t realize anyone saw me,” she flushed.

“That’s why I didn’t make my presence known. I should have, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jen was relieved that he hadn’t. The way she’d felt that night, if he had touched her, she would have grabbed on tight and never let go. He would have hated that and her for it.

“What am I going to do if none of them are alive?” The anguish in his voice a palatable thing, as he leaned his elbows on his knees. His posture so unlike the Colonel, that Jen was taken aback.

“I wish I could tell you that I know they’re still alive.” Jen reached for his arms, placing her squarely between his knees. “All I can say is I believe they’re still alive.”

“Do you, Jen?” McQueen looked down at her. “Do you really believe?”

“I don’t know if it’s because I want it so badly, that I’ve made myself believe, or if it’s a true belief. All I know is that I have faith.”

“Faith, yeah right,” McQueen reached into the pocket of his flightsuit and pulled out Nathan’s photo tag. “They gave me this at Christmas, because they had faith in me, to always be there for them. And I wasn’t, I failed them.”

“No, Ty,” Jen got up on her knees, so they were at more of an eye level. “How often have you told me that the military isn’t a democracy? It wasn’t a vote, with your’s the deciding factor!”

“Then why does it feel that way?”

“Because you care about them,” Jen put her hands on his shoulders. “Look at me, Ty. How is this any different than Kazbek?”

“You have to ask?” McQueen nailed her with an icy stare.

“I want to hear you say the words,” Jen didn’t flinch from the cold look. “So tell me, how is this different from Kazbek?”

“Because I’m not with them,” he whispered.

“That’s right,” Jen smiled as if he was a pupil who had learned a very hard lesson. “Once back in detox, you told me you always wanted to be a father.”

“Don’t you ever forget anything people tell you?” McQueen wanted to change the subject, he felt as if they were moving too close to something that only he could look at.

Smiling she gently squeezed his shoulders. “Congratulations, Dad, this is part of being a parent.”

“No, Jen, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” but as he said the words he realized they were true. Hadn’t he referred to them as his kids. When Winslow was killed, he remembered thinking that he would avenge ‘his child.’

“I know of at least two of them, that already think of you as a father figure,” Jen relaxed as she saw realization move over McQueen’s face.

“Just what I need, another defining moment,” he shook his head, as he thought of the implications of caring so much.

“Pardon?”

“Did you ever wonder why going after Chiggy Von Richthofen was so important to me?” McQueen looked at the woman before him.

“Yes,” suddenly Jen couldn’t meet his eyes any longer. She shifted her position until she was sitting on the deck, her legs curled up, and her right side against his left leg. “I knew it was much more than killing a superior enemy. For some reason you took it personally. That’s why I didn’t argue with you about the removal of the MEF.”

McQueen shook his head, as if some question deep inside of him had been answered. For the first time since he and Jen had discussed the removal of the MEF, he felt something settle in him and it give him an inner peace that had nothing to do with the 58th.

“I had gotten it into my head that Von Richthofen was,” McQueen searched for the correct word, “my personal enemy?” That wasn’t right, but it was as close as he was going to get. “He was the reason I was created. If I went up against him I would have the answer to ‘who I am.’ It became my defining moment.”

“Did it give you any answers?” Jen had her own opinions on defining moments, but she wanted to hear his. It had been a long time since they had talked like this and she was realizing how much she missed their friendship.

“Yeah, for about three hours!” McQueen shook his head as he thought back to that night

“Maybe it was all the scotch you had to drink?” Jen grinned at him.

“No,” McQueen shook his head at his folly. “No, I kept drinking that night because the moment was slipping away from me.”

“What did you learn about Tyrus Cassius McQueen that night?” Jen rested her arm and cheek on his knee and stared him in the eyes.

“I learned I had the strength to do what needed to be done,” McQueen thought hard to remember what had slipped away from him that night. “That caring about someone else gives me greater strength than only caring about myself?”

“Would you still have thought that if Kelly hadn’t died?” Jenny probed.

“Yes,” McQueen frowned, as he thought about what he felt before Kelly Winslow had died and what he felt after. “Yes. I was afraid for the 58th. That’s why I went out there. That’s how Kelly was able to convince me not to argue with Ross, when Schrader was given the assignment.”

“I wondered about that,” Jen whispered.

“Was that defining moment, realization, or whatever you want to call it leading to this?” McQueen pointed to the darkened quarters of the missing people. “Leading me to this empty room?”

“No, Ty,” Jen moved closer to him, laying her hand on his arm. “That night doesn’t lead to this one. They’re two separate nights, two separate thoughts. This room would be just as empty tonight, no matter what you did that last time. If you hadn’t killed Von Richthofen, this room might have been empty long before now. Besides, whose to say it’s going to stay empty?”

“I don’t think I can take too many defining moments like these,” McQueen whispered. “If each time I have to rethink who I am.”

“Then why don’t you try thinking in terms of ‘crossing of fords, instead of defining moments?” Jen chided him gently.

“Miyamoto Musashi?” McQueen whispered.

“Didn’t he say, ‘in the course of a lifetime there will be many points that could be called crossing a ford’?”

“I believe he wrote that,” McQueen smiled. “You think that life is a series of defining moments or crossing of fords?” He leaned close and held her face in his hands. Clear blue eyes meeting gray ones.

Jen was finding it hard to breath with him almost surrounding her. “Instead of thinking of that moment, when you killed Von Richthofen, as an ending, that tells you who you are. Think of it as an on-going process. I like to ask myself, ‘who can I be? What am I capable of becoming?’ Not just ‘who am I?’”

“What are you capable of becoming?” His question caught her off guard. She was frozen, unable to move.

“I won’t have the complete answer until I die.” She felt as if she was drowning.

He must have seen something in her eyes, because he changed the subject, almost losing her. “You were there that night, weren’t you?”

“Hmm?”

“That night when I was so drunk, you were there,” he smiled at her as if he had an answer to a puzzle. “When I woke up Joan Brill was sitting there, but you had been there during the night, hadn’t you? I keep remembering you there, beside my bunk, asleep. Your head on your arm,” McQueen shook his head to clear the picture. “Sitting much like you are now.”

“Yes, I was there,” Jen could feel her face flush. “Ross came and got me. We were worried about you. I stayed with you while he went and got Joan.” Jenny knew she was rambling, but couldn’t help it. “Ross was done in and I knew you would be upset if I stayed so we got......”

“Shhhh, Jen,” McQueen just looked at her. “It’s okay. You didn’t frighten me, you know? Seeing you like I did, wasn’t what made me think I was in detox again.” He remembered her crying when he had asked her if he was back in detox. “I was confused from all the scotch, it would have happened no matter what. You being there was all that kept me from panicking.”

“You remembered what you said?” Jenny could feel her face begin to turn red and hot.

“Yes,” he whispered. She was so close and he wanted to hold her so badly. “That’s not the first time I’ve awakened and wondered if I was back on the Greens. Each time it’s happens, I always hope it’ll be the last.” To distract himself, he moved his right hand from her face to her wrist. Rubbing his thumb over her soft skin, as he fit it between her wrist and her bracelet.

“Ty,” Jen tried to pull back, but he held her. No force, just one hand on her face and the other circling her wrist. Could he feel how her pulse had jumped at his touch? Was he doing this on purpose?

“Will you answer something for me honestly?” McQueen decided it was a night for honesty, he was going to go for the bottom line. “Why do you wear this bracelet all the time?”

“I...” Jen began to panic. How could she tell him the truth and not break her promise with the Universe?

“Jen?” He had seen the way her eyes turned to black coals and her nostrils flared. “*So you feel it, too.”* McQueen thought, relieved that he wasn’t alone in the pit of feelings that he had found himself caught in over the last months.

She took a deep breath before she answered him. “It goes back to what we were talking about before,” she felt her lips tremble as she tried to form the words. “My first defining moment took place almost as I was born, when my mother died. If not for that, I would be a totally different person. Being raised by Patsy, made me who I am.”

“The bracelet?” Ty chided.

“I’m getting to that,” she licked her lips and saw his eyes flare. “Because of the way I was raised, there was only Patsy in my life. Between books, sailing and Patsy, I didn’t need anyone or anything else. Besides, I was so much younger than all my classmates, most of the time, there wasn’t much common ground,” she shrugged her shoulders as if that was an answer.

“Then all of the sudden I had two friends, two wonderful people were a part of my life.” Jen spoke carefully, telling only what she had thought the year before, not what she knew to be the truth now. “One of those people died the night the Angry Angels fought the Chigs. The other one? Well, I was thoughtless, careless of his feelings. I lost him on a dark night in Houston, when I let my principles hurt him and he walked out of my life the next morning.”

“You think that’s why I walked out?” McQueen slid his hand from her cheek, to cup the back of her neck, his fingers finding the scar that had come between them. “I left because I couldn’t stand to see you hurt by people’s hatred of me or my kind.”

“No, it was never because of you. It was all set in motion way before that,” Jen shook her head. “My first step toward that mugging in Houston, happened when my father handed me over to Patsy to be raised.”

“Good try, Jen,” McQueen smiled at the woman inches away from him. “But you forget you wore that bracelet night and day since I gave it to you, not just since the war.”

“Ohh,” Jenny was caught, unable to move or breath. She knew her face said everything she was feeling.

“That’s what I thought,” he murmured as he moved slowly, giving her time to move away if he had read her wrong. One arm moving around her back, the other still holding the back of her neck. He gave into years of wanting as he felt her lips under his

“Ty,” Jen whispered as his lips met hers. She slid both her arms around his neck, kissing him as she had always wanted to. She felt him pull her to her knees, her body tight against his. She was surrounded by him.

McQueen’s arm moved down her back until he pulled her up on the bunk, twisting his body until she was under him. He remember the night before Kazbek and how he had held her, and the peace it had given him. Kissing her, tasting her, moving his hand beneath her sweater gave him so much more. When his hand came in contact with a lace covered breast, he pulled back, watching the glazed expression on her face. Her hand on his neck brushed against his navel. He threw back his head and gasped as sensations rocked his body.

Suddenly McQueen saw where he was. He had Jen bent over Coop’s bunk and was a breath away from making love to her. What was he thinking? Not in here, anyplace but here.

“Jen!” He stiffened and pulled away from her. “No, we can’t,” he whispered. He saw confusion and hurt fill her eyes, followed by fear.

“Oh my God,” Jen pulled away from him as realization dawned on her. What was she doing? She had promised! She had made a deal! How could this have happened? “This.....this can’t happen,” she straightened her sweater and ran from the room.

“Damn, damn, damn,” he muttered. “Way to go McQueen!” Even in detox Jen hadn’t been afraid of him. Tonight, in a moment of weakness he had changed all that.

Next : Chapter Five - Nightmares And Dreams

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