voices in the dark2

March 2, 2064, Saratoga

As the days moved on, Jenny’s life took on a pattern. Her spare time was allotted into windows to do the things necessary to keep her body going. An hour in the gym, usually in the very early morning, helped keep her sane, as well as fit. Eating three meals a day, even if she wasn't hungry, prevented the shakes from too much caffeine. If she wasn’t working in Sickbay, she made herself turn off her computer, put away the disks and go to bed no later then 2330. Sleep didn’t always come, but at least her body was resting.

Jenny seemed to move between two worlds. The one world was in Sickbay where wounded poured in. Always another battle against death to be fought. Her batting average in surgery was high, but sometimes she wondered why she patched the young people up, just to send them out to a hospital ship to become well enough to fight again. Then a month or so later she would find them back on her operating table. The pattern starting all over.

The other world took her back four years to what her life had been when she still thought one person could make a difference. She walked the corridors of information on in-vitro development, digging and searching for missing clues. A clue that would tell her why four men she had worked with had died along with all the soldiers they were with. A clue that would explain the senseless deaths of the people who hadn’t made it off of Kordis. One hundred people had been stationed on that air strip. How many had died while providing cover so that an ISSCV that was destined to crash in the south, would make it off the northern continent?

The Saratoga, March 9, 2064

The fighting was getting worse. Recently, she had begun labeling days by the number of men and women who died in Sickbay on her shift. Today had been a good day. They had saved more than fifty percent of the soldiers that had been brought in. All she wanted to do was sleep, but she was sorely tempted to turn on her computer and work on the disks. It’s only 2245 hours, I can get in a little bit of work tonight, she thought as she flipped the switch to turn on the machine, before heading for a quick shower. Jenny hadn’t realized she had collected this much information before writing her book.

After showering, she pulled McQueen’s sweat shirt over her tank top. There was just enough of the scent of the man left in the shirt to keep her from crumbling completely. She usually didn’t wear it, but used it like a child would a security blanket. Tonight she needed protection against the ghosts that were haunting her more and more frequently as she searched for answers she was afraid she would find.

“Lady-Doc,” the strained voice of Nathan West brought Jenny back from the study of her notes.

“Nathan....,”opening her hatch, Jenny found a battle weary and dirty Marine standing in her door. “What happened?”

“I...” Nathan looked around the small cabin that Jenny had pulled him into. He didn’t know where his feet had been leading him when he left the ISSCV after extraction from their mission. “It’s my brother, Neil. He he’s....dead,” Nathan whispered the last word. Wanting no one to hear it, then maybe he could go on believing it wasn’t so.

“Oh Nathan,” Jenny put her arms around the exhausted Marine. “I can’t tell you it’s okay, because it’s not,” she whispered as she rocked him back and forth. They stood with their arms around each other. “Let it all out, Nathan, just let it out.”

“Jenny I tried to protect him,” he gasp between sobs as he clutched the older woman to him, needing the comfort she was giving him. “I tried, really I did, but he just wouldn’t listen! I’m the big brother, I was supposed to take care of him, but he wouldn’t listen to me!”

“Shhh, Nathan,” Jenny stroked his back as she held onto him. “It’s not your fault. It’s this war.”

Nathan let his pain wash over him, feeling again what he felt when he held Neil’s body in his arms and realized his brother wasn’t coming home. For the first time since Kylen, Nathan leaned on another human being. He was tired of being strong; tired of burying his feelings; tired of going only on faith. Maybe, Paul had the right idea at Christmas when he had doubted his own faith.

“I’m sorry, Lady-Doc.” Minutes later, Nathan pulled back, embarrassed that he had let go completely.

“Wait a second, Lieutenant,” Jenny called him back as he tried to escape. “Not so fast. Sit down and talk to me,” she pulled out her desk chair as she turned off her computer. “Sit here and talk.”

“Doc, I really should be getting back,” Nathan tried to get away. “I haven’t even showered yet. I’m filthy.”

“Nathan, sit!” Jenny ordered. “I’m not worried about a little dirt, but I am worried about you. So talk to me, tell me about Neil.”

“He followed this hard-charging Lieutenant into battle.” Nathan spoke bitterly as he remember the inexperienced man who had led his brother’s squad. “Harrick disobeyed orders and compromised the mission, getting his whole squad killed, including my brother, in the process.”

“Nathan, you make it sound as if Neil had no say in those last hours on planet,” Jenny pushed.

“He was a rookie, lead by a rookie,” Nathan challenged. “How was he to know what to do?”

“Neil was a Marine!” Jenny emphasized. “He was given orders and he followed them. From what you say, he made a choice.”

“But...”

“No,” Jenny gripped his arm. “He made a choice. It was Neil’s choice. That’s what you need to understand and accept. Now sit back down and tell me about Neil, all about Neil.”

Nathan sat, and the stories poured out of him. Neil as a child. Neil’s first day at school. Nathan teasing Neil when the younger man went on his first date. The endless games of ‘kill the guy with the ball.’ The one and only time the two of them had double dated. The time Nathan discovered that Neil had a crush on Kylen.

Jenny and Nathan sat in her quarters for a long time, laughing and crying at the stories Nathan told.

“You know who Neil reminds me of?” Jenny grinned at the young man.

“No, Ma’am,” Nathan shook his head as he was brought into the present by her words.

“He sounds a lot like Coop at times,” she smiled. “Like a young man who was looking for himself.”

“Coop?” Nathan frowned. “Well maybe when Neil was a lot younger.”

“That’s what I mean, but Neil grew-up,” Jenny covered Nathan’s hands with hers. “The stories you tell of Neil were when he was young. That doesn’t sound like the man I met on the Saratoga. You need to find the stories that went in-between. The ones that let him die a man’s death, making his own decisions. Instead of a child’s death, having no say in what happened.”

“Shane said almost the same thing, but I won’t accept that!” Nathan denied what he was being told, “he shouldn't have died.”

“None of us should have to die in this war,” Jenny looked far away, seeing another squad that had died at another time. “You can’t bring him back Nathan, but you need to go on.”

“There are no more stories,” Nathan swung to his feet, denying all his brother had become. “There is nothing in-between”

“Nathan,” Jenny was gentle in the face of his anger. “As long as you tell stories about Neil, he’ll live. He’ll be alive in your memory and in the memories of those who hear the stories.”

“Is that why you stopped telling stories of your Major?” Nathan attacked. “To keep him alive? Because if it is, he died when you were picked up off of Kordis!”

“OH!” Jenny recoiled as his words hit her like bullets. “You heard about those stories?” She whispered.

“Sure, everyone did,” Nathan reached for the woman, but she pulled away. “I’m sorry Jenny, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was hurting and I hit out at you. I’m sorry.”

“That’s all right Nathan,” Jen stood and walked to her porthole, letting the stars give her comfort. “It’s not what you’re thinking. They were stories, that’s all. At the time they needed to be told. There’s no need for them now,” Jen whispered.

“You don’t have to explain it to me, Jenny,” Nathan spoke softly. He could feel Kylen very close at that moment. “I understand. I’ve been there. Sometimes it takes time to be able to tell the stories that mean the most to us.”

Jenny watched in silence as Nathan left. How could she explain the truth to him, or anyone. Keeping her promise to herself, she left her computer off and climbed into her bunk. Her mind kept wandering to McQueen, wondering if he had heard the stories and if he recognized himself in them. He was such a private person, maybe he didn’t. Ha, Jen, keep lying to yourself like that and maybe you’ll believe it, given ten or twenty years!

Down the hall, the object of Jenny’s thoughts was wrestling with thoughts of his own. Lt. Col. McQueen was trying to write a letter. He had written plenty of letters in his time as an officer, but all those letters had been dictated by the Corps and what he had felt about the men who had served under him. This was a personal letter. One he didn’t want to write, but knew if he didn’t, he would always regret it.

When Ross had first handed him the letter from Patsy Howard, he had assumed it would be asking about Jenny. He’d been wrong. Patsy had written to him the man, not the in-vitro, nor the Colonel or commanding officer of the squad that Jenny was assigned to. Only the last sentences had anything to do with Jenny.

He read it again, trying to figure out what Patsy was telling him. When dealing with Jenny just remember these things. ‘The good closer of doors does so without bolt or lock, and yet the door cannot be opened; The good tier of knots ties without rope or cord, yet his knots can’t be undone........ That which has no substance gets into that which has no spaces or cracks.’ I’m sure you recognize the two quotes from the Te-Tao Ching. I wish you luck and keep yourself safe.

What was she trying to tell him about Jen? He shook his head as he reread the lines. He knew them well, but applying them to Jen was a different matter. McQueen tossed down his pen in disgust. He had to get this letter written to Patsy, the mail shuttle was due soon.

Saratoga April 2, 2064

The ISSCV carrying mail had finally arrived, bring news and word from home. Cooper Hawkes had watched from a distance as people gathered around the mail. He understood, for the first time, why his friends looked forward to mail call with such excitement. He had written a letter and it had gone out on the last mail shuttle. He knew in his head that it was impossible for Patsy Howard to have received his letter, then answer it, in the few weeks that had passed. Though there was a strange excitement in him when he thought what it would be like when she did answer and his name was called, telling him he had mail.

The Colonel had told him mail call was no place for Tanks, but Cooper was beginning to see that maybe Jenny was right when she said that just because something worked for the Colonel, it wasn’t necessarily right for him.

There had been mail for Coop, and for McQueen too. Though Coop wasn’t sure how he felt about the letter he had received, from the Armed Services Network. They were doing a special on in-vitros in the military and wanted to interview him. He would have much preferred a letter from Patsy, the woman who had raised Jenny, but this was a start. Hawkes took one look at his commander and he knew McQueen wasn’t happy about the letters they had both received.

Remembering the faces of his friends as they read their mail, Coop wondered if mail from home didn’t cause more problems than joy. Paul and Vanessa were happy about what they got, but Nathan and Shane were upset. The Colonel was still in a temper from the letters they had gotten. Ross was making McQueen play along, and the Colonel didn’t like it one bit.

Jenny had just gotten off duty when she heard about the mail shuttle. She doubted there would be anything for her, since Patsy had sent a letter with Savage’s special courier just a few weeks ago. A shower then a meal was tops on her list.

“Dr. Kirkwood,” Glen Ross caught her in the corridor outside her quarters. “May I have a word with you in private?”

“Yes, Sir,” Jenny punched in her code and Ross followed her in.

“There is going to be a camera crew from the Armed Forces Network, on the Saratoga,” Ross took the chair that Jenny offered at her desk. “They’re going to be here filming a documentary on in-vitros in the war.”

“No,” Jenny held up her hand as if to ward off what was being said. “That’s not good.”

“Good or bad isn’t for me to say, Jenny,” Ross smiled at her response. “I wanted to warn you of their presence and advise you to stay out of their way.”

“Then it’s not me they’re looking for?” The doctor looked relieved as she sat on the side of her bunk.

“No, but in some ways it would be easier if it was,” Ross grimaced as he remembered McQueen’s response to having to give an interview. “They’re here to film Hawkes and McQueen.”

“The Colonel’s not going to like it when he finds out,” Jenny knew McQueen was a private person, who believed that deeds spoke louder than words.

“He already knows,” Ross patted her hand. “But that’s my job. Your job is to keep a low profile. When they checked the ship’s roster, they must have been checking for in-vitros only, or your name would have been spit out with Hawkes' and McQueen’s. If we’re lucky, they won’t catch on that you’re here. I’m making Sickbay off limits to them.”

“I’ve got plenty to keep me busy,” Jenny motioned to her computer. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Have you come across anything that might be of help to us?” Ross knew Jenny was working as fast as she could, but he was impatient to get this over with.

“No, Sir,” Jenny shrugged. “So far there isn’t a thing that’s worth killing over, but I’m still looking.”

“Dr. Kirkwood,” Hawkes knocked on Jenny’s door. “I picked up your mail.”

“Coop, thanks,” she opened the hatch, letting in the tall Marine who had a large box balanced on his shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Hawkes was surprised to find the Commodore sitting at Jenny’s desk.

“Carry on, Lieutenant,” Ross stood to leave. “It looks as if you’ve got quite a haul there, Doctor.”

Voices from the hallway could be heard as Cooper and Jenny were opening the box that Jenny had received.

“No, you don’t understand, ‘Phousse,” Shane’s strident words carried over her friend’s softer one. “Marion was the name I wanted to use for my daughter and Anne always knew it!”

Leaving Jenny’s hatch open, the two lady pilots joined Cooper and Jenny. A few minutes later Paul came in carrying a lump of sod, that he claimed was from Wrigley Field. The last to join them was a grim faced Nathan. Everyone was talking at once as Jenny dug into her box and began pulling out books.

“What the hell is all the noise about?” A disgruntled McQueen stood in the open hatch, his arms crossed, legs splayed and eyes shooting ice bullets. “This is a United Earth Force Navel Carrier, not the local mall. We are at war, People,” his eyes raked the Marines who had automatically snapped to attention at the sound of his voice. “If you must carry on like this, at least close the damn hatch!”

As he turned on his heel to leave, pulling the hatch closed behind him, he saw Jenny step toward him, “Doctor,” his voice low and menacing. “I’d advise you to follow the example of your squad-mates. I’ve had about all of your insubordination that I plan to take.” He saw his words hit her and wished he could pull them back.

“Yes, Sir,” Jenny stopped half way to the door. “Colonel, Sir,” she may have been at attention, but her left eyebrow was raised and her eyes drilled him, negating her stance.

At the sound of the hatch closing behind the angry Colonel, everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well back to the work at hand,” Jenny turned back to the box.

“Lady-Doc, he didn’t mean anything by it,” Coop placed a hand on her shoulder. He had seen the way McQueen’s words had hit her, then bounced off as she had pulled an invisible shield into place.

“It’s okay, Coop,” Jenny moved back to the box. “He just caught me by surprise, that’s all.” She had heard McQueen chew out people on plenty of occasions. This was the first time he had directed his anger at her when they weren’t arguing an issue that had her temper in an equal state of flux.

Patsy had sent Jenny a number of her favorite books. At the bottom she found a treasure trove of old video disks that she could play on her computer. A number of which caught Shane and Vanessa’s attention. The women planned a ‘girl’s night’ in the near future. When the others went their separate ways, Nathan stayed behind.

“Doctor,” he wasn’t sure where to start. When he had talked to her about Neil the last time he had ended up verbally attacking her. “I got a letter from my parents and it sounds as if they haven't been notified of Neil’s death. Something’s wrong.”

“What’s the date on the letter?”

“I thought of that,” West studied the letter in his hands. “This letter was dated ten days ago. It must have arrived at the shuttle just as it was taking off from Earth. I was told by the Commodore that death notices go out in the daily out-going radio traffic, every evening. They should have been notified a week before this letter was written.”

“Have you talked to Colonel McQueen about it?” Jenny wasn’t sure what she could do for Nathan, but was willing to try.

“I tried to,” Nathan shrugged. “He isn’t..well, like Hawkes said earlier, he isn’t acting himself today.”

“What did he say to you?” Jenny didn’t like what Nathan wasn’t telling her about the Colonel.

“That the Corps would take care of it,” Nathan sat heavily on the desk chair. “Then, something about Marine’s parents losing their children for 300 years.”

“Ouch!” Jenny frowned at the coldness of the words. “Keep in mind that he thinks of family differently then we do.”

“Doctor,” Nathan smiled at the woman. “You don’t have to make excuses for McQueen. We both know that something is bothering him right now. His response to me was out of character. The Colonel may not have a family, but he worries about the families of his soldiers. I’ve seen him write letters often enough to know that he doesn’t leave a thing like that to the bureaucrats.”

“Since McQueen isn’t a resource at this time,” Jenny skirted the issue of ‘making excuses for McQueen’. “Why don’t you talk to the Commodore. Be sure the time line you’ve projected is correct. There’s a possibility that your letter was mailed before your parents heard about Neil’s death. It’s been less than a month.”

Saratoga April 4, 2064 - 1800 hours

The 58th had been sent on a mission. Jenny was being careful to stay in her quarters, when not in Sickbay. McQueen was making himself scarce, since the arrival a few hours earlier of the crew from the Armed Serves’ Network to film the documentary on In-Vitros In The Military.

“Jenny,” Joan Brill called out as she entered Sickbay. “The 58th is coming in and they’re bring in causalities.”

“Details?” The Doctor felt her heart begin to race.

“Nothing so far,” Joan grabbed the emergency kit. “I’ll be triage, you stay where you are. They say the camera crew is already setting up at the docking bay. They want to catch Hawkes as he comes in from a mission.”

Thirty minutes later Sickbay was filled with Marines fresh from extraction. Jenny leaned over the stretcher that carried Vanessa Damphousse. As she did an initial assessment, she was surrounded by the 58th.

“Back-up guys, just back up,” Jenny turned toward the worried men and women. Looking between Coop and Wang, she saw a stern-faced McQueen come flying through the Sickbay doors. “You have to give us some room to work.”

“Is she going to be all right, Lady-Doc?” Paul was still gripping ‘Phousse’s hand.

“I can’t tell, yet,” Jenny moved Cooper out of the way to get back to Vanessa’s side. “One of you, tell me what happened.”

“There was an explosion,” Paul had been her partner, so he told the Doctor what he knew. “The compression from the blast sent Vanessa flying. She hit her head and..well.. her night vision goggles were broken when she landed. She couldn’t see anything, so I bandaged her eyes and got her out of there.”

“You did the right thing, Paul,” Jenny gripped his shoulder to give reassurance. Paul was still too fragile from his encounter on Kazbek for the Doctor’s liking. “Now everybody, go shower and eat, so I can take care of Vanessa.”

“Come on Lady-Doc, we’ll stay out of your way,” Cooper was worried about ‘Phousse, and part of him was scared about going back out there to face the cameras he knew were waiting for him. The idea of being the center of attention was exciting, but it was scary, too. Ross had made Sickbay off limits to the news crew, so for the moment he was safe.

“People,” McQueen stepped into the middle of his Marines. “You heard Dr. Kirkwood. Everybody out of here. Give her some time to get her job done.”

“Give me two hours,” Jen called after the 58th, as they headed out and Vanessa was taken into an exam bay. “That means you too, Ty,” she smiled at the Colonel.

“May I talk to her for a minute?” McQueen’s eyes followed where the young Marine was being taken.

“Sure,” Jen followed him into the bay and watched while he talked softly to the hurt woman.

“Ty?” Jenny stopped McQueen as he was about to leave the exam area. “Why don’t you wait in my office. The Corpsman just brought me some dinner, help yourself.”

“I can’t eat your dinner,” McQueen was hungry and had been avoiding the Mess. “You’ve never gained back any of the weight you lost on Kordis.”

“Go ahead and eat it. By the time I’m finished in here, it’ll be ice cold. I’ll have Joan get me something later. Besides, it’s the scrubs that make me look thin,” Jen lied.

“Good try, Jen,” McQueen stepped close to the doctor. “But you forget I’ve seen you in....... scrubs before.”

“Please, Ty just do as I’m asking you,” Jen turned away from him, her face flaming as his soft chuckle followed him out of the exam room. The Doctor ground her teeth, they both knew he had seen her in shorts and even a wetsuit when they snorkeled off the Windswept.

The 58th arrived back in sickbay exactly two hours after leaving. They were all worried about ‘Phousse and felt that being there would give her support. Paul had been the last to leave when Jenny declared visiting hours over. He was worried about Vanessa. He knew about the letter she had received and how much it had hurt her.

“Paul,” Jenny Kirkwood called out as she watched his worried face. “She’s going to be all right. It’ll take a few days, but Dr. Gregory says her eyes will be as good as new.”

“It’s not her eyes I’m worried about,” Paul shrugged.

“So I gather,” Jen watched the young man closely. “Is this something I should know about?”

“You talk to her Lady-Doc,” he pointed toward the curtained area where ‘Phousse was resting. “If anyone can help her, you can,” for just a moment, ghosts shadowed his eyes, then were gone.

“How about you, Paul,” Jen had seen the pain flash across his face. “How’re you doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Ma’am,” he pasted a smile on his face. “Don’t worry about me, you were right, I’m putting it all behind me.” He was lying and hoped he could hide it for a few more minutes. For some reason, what happened to ‘Phousse was intensifying all his fear and shame from Kazbek.

“Dr. Kirkwood,” ‘Phousse called from behind curtains.

“I’m here,” Jenny held Vanessa’s hand as she looked over her shoulder and watched Paul make a quick exit. The Doctor made a mental note to talk to McQueen about the young man. He was still having problems coping and needed help that she was unable to give him.

“Was that Paul I just heard?” ‘Phousse gripped Jenny’s hand tightly.

“He was here,” Jenny pulled up a chair to sit beside the Marine. “They were all here.”

“I know,” Vanessa tried to smile. “Even the Colonel. He talked to me when I was first brought in.”

“Of course he did,” Jen smiled at the memory of the older man holding Vanessa’s hand and talking softly to the injured girl. “He cares about all of you.”

“Was I dreaming, or did you make him laugh?” The sleepy Marine wondered.

“Pardon?” Her question caught Jenny by surprise.

“He doesn’t laugh enough, but Lady-Doc, he’s a good man,” ‘Phousse defended her commander. “He didn’t mean what he said the other day in your quarters.”

“Vanessa....” Jen tried to cut in.

“Let me finish, Jenny!” ‘Phousse kept on talking. She had enough pain medication on board and was hurting too much from the letter she had received to keep quiet. “The Colonel hasn’t been like that since the early days of the war. He was hurting then and he’s hurting now. I think it’s because of the documentary that’s being filmed. He doesn’t want to talk about his past. He shouldn’t be made to.”

“I agree with you, Vanessa,” Jen gripped her hand again. “You’re a very sensitive woman.”

“Please, not my sensitivities again,” ‘Phousse grimaced, remembering the problems she had when she was seeing odd lights around people before they died. “This is different, Jenny. Colonel McQueen is a kind, honorable man, unlike some men I can name.”

“Has someone been giving you a hard time,” Jenny jumped at the chance to move off the the topic of McQueen.

“My fiance,” ‘Phousse’ lip began to quiver as she tried not to cry. “Sam, found someone else while I was out here fighting this damn war.”

“And he told you in a letter?” Jenny held her hand tighter.

“Yes, ma’am, but I’d rather know the truth, than have him string me along and tell me nothing but lies,” Phousse was trying to be brave, but she was hurting. “It’s just that I thought I knew him so well. I thought he really loved me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jenny used her free hand to smooth back Vanessa’s hair.

“There were times when we would be in the thick,” ‘Phousse needed to talk about the man who had hurt her. “I would see his face or hear his voice. It would be just a momentary flash, but it would keep me going. It was like he was there beside me. Now in my heart, all I have is this empty place.”

“I know,” Jenny’s voice shook, remembering a voice and face that wouldn’t get out of her head when she was trapped on Kordis. “But you should try and rest.”

“You don’t fool me,” the Lieutenant muttered sleepily. “You’ll do anything to avoid talking about Him.” ‘Phousse smiled as she remembered all the stories that were circulating the ship. The stories that the Doctor had told on Kordis about a Marine pilot who had died. None of the stories ever told of affection between Jenny and the Major, but Vanessa would have bet her last dollar on it.

Looking up at a noise behind her, Jenny found McQueen watching them. “I thought you might like this,” he handed her a cup of hot coffee as he sipped from a mug of his own.

“How long were you standing there?” Jenny whispered as she took the cup. Vanessa’s hold on her hand had loosened and the young Marine was taking deep regular breaths.

“Longer than I should have,” McQueen spoke quietly. “I was waiting to find how she’s doing. And I want to make sure you eat something. Joan has gone to get you some more dinner. This time you’re to eat it, and that’s an order.”

“Yes, Sir,” Jen grinned at him. “There’s really nothing to add to what I told you earlier. Physically she’s going to be fine,” she watched the young woman sleep. “Dr. Voss and Dr. Gregory, the opthomologist, got all the glass out of her corneas. The other, will heal with time.”

“Sometimes I think mail from home does more damage than good,” McQueen growled.

“Believing a lie wouldn’t have helped her,” Jenny watched ‘Phousse sleep. “She said as much herself.”

“Smart girl,” McQueen whispered.

“She has a great deal of respect for you, Ty,” Jen wondered if he realized he had become a father figure to the young Marine.

“As I said, she’s a smart girl,” McQueen grinned. “She’s right about another thing as well. I’m sorry for what I said the other day.”

“Thank you, but I understood,” Jenny looked at the sleeping woman, relieved to see that the Colonel looked more relaxed than he had in a few days. “The idea of giving an interview goes against everything you believe in.”

“What do you mean?” McQueen hedged. This woman knew him too well.

’He accomplishes his tasks, but he doesn’t dwell on them.’ The theme runs throughout the Tao,” Jenny stood, looking up at the man who meant so much to her. “Over and over again, Lao-Tzu writes of doing, or in some cases not doing, but letting actions speak for themselves.”

“A poet and a philosopher, the Doctor has many talents,” McQueen whispered as he watched Jenny’s eyes turn deep black. “Is she also a mind reader?”

“If she were, she’d say this man is worried, but should put aside his worries and just do it.” Jen was trying to pull back from all she was feeling. She hoped that her emotions weren’t too evident.

For one second McQueen saw something in Jenny’s face that caught him up short. Could she really read his mind? Then relief followed by anger washed over him, “what, no pithy phrases on facing demons?” As his face turned to stone, he thought, the interview, she’d been talking about the interview! If she could have read his mind, it would have frightened that trusting look off her face.

“Ty?” Jenny stepped back at his harsh reply and watched as he marched out of Sickbay like a man facing his doom.

Damphousse moaned, she was hearing voices, she tried hard to remember who was talking and what was being said. She felt it was important, but it kept slipping away from her as she fell into a deep sleep.

Jenny’s Quarters 2300 hours

Jenny had put away her notes and crawled into bed when she was disturbed by pounding on her hatch.

“Just a sec,” she called out as she pulled on sweat pants and grabbed an old wool shirt to cover her tank top.

“Lady-Doc, it’s me, Hawkes,” Cooper had stopped pounding, but was clenching his fists in temper as he waited for the hatch to open.

“What’s wrong?” Jenny asked as she yanked open the hatch. The look on the young in-vitros face told her he was upset.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He accused as he stepped into her quarters. “Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was for in-vitros in the early days?”

“What are you talking about?” Jenny guided the man to a chair, but he refused to sit.

“McQueen gave his interview!” Anger boiled in Hawkes veins again as he thought of all that his commander had gone through. “Why didn’t you tell me about Port Riskin?”

“I did,” Jenny put her hand on his arm to get his attention.

“Yeah, right!” Hawkes, pushed her hand away. “You told me McQueen had been a munitions handler, but you didn’t really tell me.”

“Hawkes!” Jen grabbed him by the arms and tried to shake him. “Listen to me Hawkes,” her voice carried the authority of command. “It wasn’t up to me to tell anyone! If Ty wanted that story told, he was the only one who had the right to tell it. As it is, I told you more than I should have!”

“But..” Hawkes tried to interrupt.

“No, buts,” Jen gave him a shake again. “I won’t do anything that would cause him pain, not even for you.”

“You knew, though?” Hawkes was looking at the doctor very carefully. He felt she had the answers to a lot of things, but he didn’t know the questions to ask.

“All I can tell you, is that I’ve been his doctor in the past,” Jen sniffed as she felt tears forming. “You’ll have to decide for yourself what that means.”

“Lady-Doc, I....” Hawkes didn’t know what to say, he had made her cry and wasn’t sure how he had done it.

“Is he all right?” Jen was reluctant to call McQueen by name and not sure why.

“He disappeared after the interview,” Hawkes patted Jenny’s shoulder awkwardly. “Don’t cry Lady-Doc, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I’m okay, Coop,” Jen wiped the tears from her cheeks and smiled. “How did it go for you?”

“It wasn’t what I expected. All I wanted was to be somebody. I’d hoped that interview would help, so I went along with them. Then after I heard what the Colonel had to say,” Coop shook his head. “I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

“You are somebody,” Jenny patted his hand. “You’re Cooper Hawkes and the life you lead everyday shows what a nice young man you are.”

“That’s about what the Colonel said,” Hawkes sighed, finding it hard to comprehend all that had happened to McQueen. “It’s hard to believe that a man like the Colonel came out of Port Riskin.”

“It takes a very hot fire to temper strong steel and McQueen is made of the strongest I’ve ever seen.” Jen smiled through her worry, “are you all right, now?”

“I will be,” Coop smiled. “Good-night, Lady-Doc, and thanks,” Coop left Jenny standing in the middle of her cabin. He had been given a lot to think about tonight. For the first time since he had read the words, he understood the beginning of Jenny’s book. ‘I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” First think in the morning he was going to the ship’s library and pull up a copy of the whole poem.

Jenny gave Coop five minutes, then left her cabin. Sneaking through the night time ship, she headed for the alcove, where she was sure she would find McQueen.

“Ty?” She stood beside the man, who sat watching the stars. She knew he had been aware of her. “I’ll go, if you want to be alone.”

“No,” McQueen looked up and slid over to make room for her on the ledge. “I told them about Port Riskin. About the ‘dreams’. I don’t think they understood.”

“I doubt they would,” Jen reached over and held his hand. Her fingers intertwined with his. “They have no frame of reference.”

“But you do, don’t you?” McQueen turned and looked her in the eyes. His hand gripping hers as tightly as she was gripping his. “You’ve always known. Why is that? You’re not an in-vitro.”

“I don’t know,” Jen leaned back against the bulkhead. Her shoulder brushing against his arm. “I just do.”

They sat like that for a long time. McQueen being soothed by Jen’s presence. He held onto her hand to keep from being swallowed by his inner turmoil. She sat quietly, not asking questions or needing him to speak.

“How much did I say during those nights in detox?” McQueen finally broke the silence. “When I was so out of it.”

“Does it matter?” Jenny shrugged, “though someday, I hope you’ll take a closer look at those times of your life. If not with me, then with someone else.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” There were things he kept hidden very deeply.

“No,” Jen sighed. “You need to bring all that into the light of day. Look at what’s important, and discard the rest. All of what’s there goes toward making the man you are today. Look at him, accept him, and move on with your life. It’s a waste of energy to have to keep burying things when they come back to haunt you.”

“If it was so important, why didn’t you and Werner push me to do it four years ago,” McQueen challenged.

“You weren’t in any shape to do it at the time,” Jenny squeezed his hand tighter. “You were dangling over a deep abyss, back then. You needed everything in you to crawl back from the edge. For some reason you choose to confide in me, not Werner. Knowing that, we structured the psychiatric part of your treatment so that you only had enough sessions with Dr. Werner to make sure that you and I were staying on track.”

How many of his other demons did she knew about? It bothered him that she would not only know about them, but understand them so well. He realized she had some demons of her own that recognized his. The Doctor needed to take her own advice, he thought. Then wondered if she realized her’s existed at all?

After Jen left, McQueen sat watching the stars. His hand was still warm from where she had held onto him tonight. Did she realized how close to another abyss he had been tonight? If his temper had slipped it’s leash, there was no telling what would have happened. For a second time she had held onto him and kept him from falling. She was right about one thing, it did save energy when someone helped you fight the battle.

Jenny’s Quarters April 12, 2064 - 2200 hours

Since the guys were busy playing poker in the bar, Vansen, ’Phousse and Jenny decided to have a party. Vansen had smuggled two bottles of wine from the Tun. Jenny had a sappy chick-flick for them to watch. And Damphousse was finally able to take off her dark glasses; as long as the lights where kept low. All three women had red eyes from crying over the movie, were slightly drunk and enjoying every minute of it.

“That movie was so good,” ‘Phousse wiped a tear from her face. “There is something so romantic about a train station. Up until the last second, when he pulled her on the train with him, I was sure he was going to leave her behind.”

“No, he wouldn’t have left her, he loved her,” both Marines heard the hollow sound in Jenny’s voice as she stared blankly into the past. “A..aa..Vanessa, are you all right?” Jenny fumbled to cover her momentary lapse. “This movie wasn’t too much for you, too soon?”

“No,” Vanessa reached for a tissue. “I’m doing okay. The hard part is not having someone to love, I feel empty inside.”

“I know what you mean,” Shane poured more wine for them all. “When I saw John again after so long, he filled my heart with the old warmth. Then when he died, it was all gone again and I had to start....” Shane froze and slowly looked over at Jenny. “Oh Jen, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to bring this up.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the doctor tried to deny what she was feeling as tears rolled down her face.

“It’s all right,” ‘Phousse put her arm around the smaller woman. “We know. You don’t have to pretend with us.”

“What?” Jenny pulled back in horror as both Marines shook their heads. “But..but”

“Your Major,” Shane patted the older woman as she picked up a bottle of bright red nail polish. “He died, and you still love him.” Both younger women had speculated on the source of Jen’s bracelet, but were afraid to ask.

“No, you guys have it all wrong,” Jenny shook her head.

“It’s okay,” ‘Phousse handed her more tissue. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just remember, we’re always here if you need us.” Vanessa had a nagging feeling she should remember something, but didn’t know what it was.

“No...”Jenny’s protests were interrupted by a knock.

“Quickly someone hide the bottles!” They all gasped. Though alcohol outside of the Tun was forbidden, everyone knew that the rule was broken. It was ignored as long as no one was blatant about it. Two drunk Marines and a wobbling Navy doctor were pushing it a bit.

“Yes,” Vansen plastered a smile on her face as she pulled open the hatch. “Colonel McQueen? Sir!”

“Vansen, Damphousse?” McQueen looked around the cabin, his Marines were drunk and playing with little bottles of red paint. There were clothes scatter around and Jen had her back to the door. “What’s going on here?”

“I..a,” Jenny stuttered as she turned around quickly, almost losing her balance.

“Lieutenant Commander,” McQueen motioned for her.

“I can explain,” Jenny walked a not so straight line to the door. Moving out into the passageway with McQueen she closed the hatch behind her. “Was there something you needed Colonel?” She looked him in the eyes deciding the best defense was a strong offense.

“You’ve been drinking, all of you,” he accused.

“Maybe just a little, but you can’t have a good movie without some wine,” Jen reasoned. “Besides we’re celebrating Shane’s up-coming promotion.”

“You made them cry!” McQueen was shocked. “You’ve turned my Marines into a bunch of women.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, Colonel” Jenny underlined her words by leaning close to him and standing on her toes, her up-turned face inches from his. “They are women. Treating them like short men isn’t good for their mental status. They’re women. Let them feel like women every once in a while.” Then she ruined the effect of her carefully worded speech by giggling.

“Jen, you’re drunk,” his mouth twitched as he tried to keep from laughing.

“At least I’m not passed out, like a certain Lieutenant Colonel, who shall remain nameless,” she leaned even closer whispering conspiratorially.

“Is he anyone I would know?” McQueen tried to look severe, but it was tough when all he wanted to do was laugh.

“Oh, loosen up, McQueen,” she shook her head at him, making herself dizzy. “Ohh,” she lost her balance, having forgotten she was on her toes, and bumped against the bulkhead as she landed on her feet.

“Careful there, Jen,” he reached for her arms to keep her from falling.

“You caught me?” She looked up in surprise.

“I’d never let you fall, Jen,” he kept a hold on her to make sure she was steady.

“You’re an officer and a gentleman,” she whispered, liking the feel of being able to lean on him even if only for just a moment. “Don’t worry about Shane and Vanessa, they’ll be their old selves tomorrow. They would never cry for you.”

“No,” he whispered as he wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “Only you do that.”

“Not anymore, I made a deal, I won’t break it, Ty, I promise.” Jen murmured, unable to take her eyes off of his. “Ohh....” common sense reasserted itself as Jenny heard what she’d just said. This wasn’t the way to keep her bargain! A voice shouted in her head, as she straightened, putting distance between the two of them.

“What are you talking about?” McQueen had felt her stiffen under his hands and let her go.

“Just rambling...”Jen improvised. “You were right about too much wine. What was it you needed?”

“It can wait until morning,” or the day after, McQueen thought. Depending on how hung over she is. “It was about Nathan, but it can wait.”

“Oh, okay,” Jen smiled as she opened the hatch. “Good-night.”

“How much trouble are we in?” ‘Phousse asked as Jenny came back into the room.

“He was more upset that I had ‘turned his Marines into women’,” Jen lowered her voice, her hands low on her hips and did a creditable imitation of McQueen, that had both younger women rolling on the floor laughing.

“Very good,” ‘Phousse giggled. “Someday have Paul do McQueen as a plumber, it’s a stitch.”

“But if you do,” Shane grinned. “Be sure McQueen doesn’t catch him at it, this time.”

“No!” Jenny joined them on the floor, tears of laughter rolling down her face. “Somehow I don’t think the Colonel thought it was funny at the time.”

“It feels so good to laugh,” Shane lay on the floor feeling like her old self for the first time in a long time. “Ever since I got that vid from Anne, things have been weird.”

“How so?” Jenny was helping to paint Vanessa’s toenails a bright red.

“She’s named her baby after mom,” Shane sighed. “She knew I always wanted to name my daughter Marion.”

“But you don’t have a daughter,” Jen split her attention between red toenail polish and Shane. “When you do, is there any reason why there can’t be two Marions in the family?”

“Damn-it,” Shane sat up. “Why do you have to always make so much sense, Jenny.”

“Shane,” ‘Phousse put her arm around her friend. “From what you tell me, your mother loved you girls more than anything else in the world. I can’t imagine she would want you fighting over a thing like a name.”

“I always planned to honor her memory that way,” Shane sighed.

“As our lives change, we need to change too,” Jenny whispered. Her mind was still out in the hall with McQueen. “God, he’s right! I did turn us all into a bunch of women,” Jenny moaned as she wiped away tears that filled her eyes and rolled down her face.

“We won’t tell, if you tell us what McQueen was like before the war,” ‘Phousse grinned.

“Pardon?”

“We know you were an Angry Angel,” ‘Phousse held up the picture Jen had forgotten to hide before the younger women arrived. “So what was McQueen like back then?”

“Not all that different from now,” Jenny was unable to meet the other women’s eyes, so she missed the look that passed between the two of them. “He was a Marine then, as he is now.”

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