Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "SPACE: Above and Beyond" are the creations of Glen Morgan and James Wong, Fox Broadcasting and Hard Eight Productions, and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. Dylan Mackenzie belongs to me.
Rating: NC-17 This story contains sex - don't say you didn't know!
Once again - MANY THANKS to Karen, she's the bestest beta ever, and Vasalysa - who showed me the dark side!
Chapter 4
Dill woke with a start as she hit the floor. For a second she lay there, wondering what had happened, and then the noise she was hearing registered on her still sleepy mind. Ty was yelling, and so were the boys. She was torn between whom she should deal with first. Getting up, she watched as Ty thrashed around in the bed, trapped deep in his nightmare. Knowing that if she touched him the likelihood that he'd attack her was high, she headed for the boys, hoping to calm them quickly and get back to her husband.
It took her a little while to settle both the boys back to sleep; their fathers screaming had obviously scared them, and they were very upset. By the time she got back to him, Ty'd stopped screaming, but he was still thrashing around and sobbing.
Dill sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh. She should have realised this would happen she thought. His subconscious always seemed to hit him with a nightmare when he was relaxed and had let his guard down. He'd been far too relaxed over dinner, and their lovemaking afterwards had been a much more relaxed and gentle session than it had ever been before. It had been so unlike him. Nice, she smiled to herself, but definitely not him….
She leaned forward and very gently touched his shoulder. "Ty?" she whispered, wanting desperately to wake him from his nightmare, but knowing it wasn't a good idea.
He flinched from her touch, so she tried again, this time stroking his hair. "Ty, it's me, Dill. It's okay. You're fine. No one's hurting you. Relax… stop fighting… you're safe."
For a second he relaxed, his thrashing eased, and his eyes flickered open to stare at her, totally unfocused. Then he was gone again, sucked back into his nightmarish hell. The thrashing became stronger - more violent. McQueen began to lash out at her, and through his sobs she could just about make out a few words. He was begging for something to stop, she realised. And then the screams started again and his whole body began to shudder as he fairly bucked off the bed.
"Ty, it's okay. You're safe. You're here with me and I won't let anyone hurt you" she tried again, not knowing how to help him. She'd seen his nightmares before, but this one was different. It was far more violent than anything she'd witnessed before and she was worried that he'd hurt himself as he thrashed about, almost bouncing off the wall.
Dill took a deep breath and decided she had to wake him. She couldn't leave him like this. She reached over and took hold of both his shoulders, shaking him hard. "Come on, Ty! You need to wake up! Ty! Now! Come on, Ty, please!"
She jumped back as his hands came up to push her away, lashing out to hit her. "No. Ty! It's me, Dill. Remember? Dill, your wife. Someone who loves you very much. Ty! Wake up, please. You'll wake the boys again and I don't want to leave you."
At the mention of the boys his thrashing eased for a moment. "Yes, Ty, the boys - Cameron, who loves you so much he can't bear to be without you. And Hamish - he loves you too, Ty. We all love you. We need you to come back to us. Isobel does too. Ty, come back to me, please. Wake up. Your children need you." She leaned forward and shook him again. Only this time she didn't get out of the way quickly enough and he hit her, sending her reeling. "Christ, Ty!" she yelled. "Mind the baby!"
He was suddenly up from the bed and crouched in the corner of the room, watching her warily, his eyes still unfocused. Dill realised he was still locked in his nightmare, and she didn't like the way he was looking at her. Very slowly, she picked herself up from the floor, watching him all the time - talking to him, using his name, telling him who she was.
"Ty, it's me, Dill, remember? I've brought your babies to see you, Ty. You know who they are, don't you? Cameron with his bald head where Hamish keeps pulling out his hair, and Hamish the great big mini-marine that he is. They look like you Ty, both of them. Beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair, and the most marvellous smiles, Ty, just like you. Your boys, Ty. Yours and mine." As she said it, she was edging around the room, heading for the door, his eyes following her all the time.
He leapt up and grabbed for her, frightening her half to death as he held her firmly in his arms. The look in his eyes was violent and wild. Dill reached up to him, and decided it was make or break time. She kissed him soundly, hoping that it might work. And for a moment it did. He responded and kissed her back hungrily, before pulling back.
"Dill?" he whispered, his eyes focussing on her for a second before he was gone.
"Yes, Ty, it's me" she sighed with relief, before once again finding herself on the floor as he flung her aside and ran from the room.
Dill pulled herself upright massaging her stomach where the baby was protesting about all the sudden jolts it was getting. "It's alright, Isobel." she whispered. "Daddy can't help it. He doesn't mean to hurt us. We need to help him, so brace yourself my girlie, for a bit more jostling."
Dill followed him out of the room, hoping he was still in their quarters. The thought of having to tell Glen that Ty was roaming the ship, gripped in the middle of a terrifying nightmare, and naked to boot, was not something she relished. If nothing else, the embarrassment it would cause Ty would probably give him yet more nightmares.
She noticed that the door was still shut. And she hadn't heard it slam, so he was still inside. Dill checked all around the room. There weren't many places he could hide, but the way he was at the moment, she figured he'd squeeze into a mouse hole. Having finally decided he wasn't there, she checked the bathroom. He wasn't there either. Her heart stopped as she realised there was only one other place he could be - in with the boys. She ran to the room, praying that he hadn't frightened them. She knew he wouldn't deliberately, but in his current state, she wasn't exactly sure what he would or wouldn't do.
Dill opened the door slowly, not wanting to frighten him any more than he already was. Peering around in the darkness, she couldn't see him at all, but she knew he had to be there. She listened carefully. She could hear the soft snores of Hamish. Cameron seemed to be awake though. He was chuckling softly. And she could hear Ty's breathing, much more relaxed now, she realised.
"Ty?" she whispered.
"Here." came his voice.
"Where are you?"
Silence. Then, "Promise you won't laugh?"
"Hell, I'm just relieved you're ok. How do you feel?" she asked, stepping into the room.
"Awful." he whispered. "I'm sorry, Dill. I had to get away before I hurt you."
"Baby, it's ok." she soothed, hearing the distress in his voice. "Where are you?" She looked around, puzzled. There wasn't that much room with the two travel cots in there.
"I'm in with Cameron." he said softly.
"In with Cameron?" she asked, walking toward the cot. Sure enough, there he was sat in the cot, Cameron on his lap.
"What are you doing actually in the cot, Ty?" she smiled.
He looked up at her sheepishly. "I don't really know. One minute you were kissing me, the next I knew I had to get away before I hurt you. And then I was in here with Cameron. He doesn't seem to mind."
"Well, he wouldn't, would he?" she chuckled. "But I really think you need to climb out of there and get him back to sleep. Then you need to come back to bed - we need to talk about your nightmare."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Ty, you need to. We have to banish these horrible things once and for all." Dill smiled as he climbed out of the cot. "I know we're not going to get rid of them just talking, but you still need to talk it out. Now get that little man back to sleep while I make us something hot to drink." She reached out to stroke his back, relieved that he didn't flinch from her. "I love you, Ty, unconditionally. I just wish you'd believe that."
He looked at her, startled. "I do!"
"No, Ty, you don't." Dill sighed. "Hurry up. I'll see you in a minute."
She'd gone back to bed when he came out of the boys' room, and he found her tucked up with a mug of steaming hot chocolate.
"Where did you get that?" he asked, slipping in beside her.
"I've been craving it since the beginning of this pregnancy. I never go anywhere without several boxes of instant." she laughed. "Look, yours is there. Mind though, it's very hot still."
"I'd rather have a scotch." Ty mumbled. Picking the mug up from the side table, he blew gently on the hot liquid to cool it.
"No way, Ty, not tonight. No matter what you might think, alcohol is not going to help. Besides, I want you sober while we talk, and I get the feeling you'd down a whole bottle." Dill told him.
"You're probably right." he sighed resignedly. "I'm sorry, Dill. Did I hurt you?"
"No, Ty. You scared me, but you didn't hurt me."
"So now I've got you frightened of me." he whispered quietly, turning to look at her.
"No, my love. Scared, yes. But not of you. Because I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Not deliberately. But scared for you. You were thrashing around so much I really thought you'd hurt yourself." She reached to stroke his face. "You were there, weren't you? With that awful Yardley man?"
McQueen nodded, sipping at the drink in his hand.
"If I could, my love, I'd find him and really teach him a lesson he wouldn't soon forget." Dill saw the tiny smile he gave her. "I mean it, Ty. I could quite happily kill him for what he did to you. And to countless others, no doubt." She shook her head. "I'll never understand why people behave the way they do. To assume that a difference in birth or conception makes you less than anyone else… well." Dill sighed. "It disgusts me. It truly does."
"Dill?" Ty whispered.
"Yes, my love?"
"You said I don't believe you. But I do." He put his mug back on the table and took hers, placing it next to his. "I know you love me."
"No, Ty. You hope I love you. You want to believe, but you don't. Think about it for a minute." Dill took his hand and squeezed. "When we were at Glen's beach house, the night you got attacked, you left because you didn't think I loved you enough to be able to cope with it."
"No, Dill, that's not right." Ty told her. "I left because I didn't want to be responsible for you getting hurt."
"That's what you told yourself. That's what you told Glen. But that's not why you left." Dill smiled at him sadly. "Think about it, Ty. Why did you really leave me that night? How were you expecting me to behave?"
He sat and thought for so long, she thought he'd gone to sleep. Finally he spoke. "Amy." he whispered. "I was certain you'd do what Amy would have done. Which would have been telling me she wasn't putting up with that and then leaving me." McQueen looked at her. "I'm sorry, Dill. I'm still doing it. I still expect you to react like she would. When you arrived pregnant with the boys, I straightaway thought you'd dumped me because that's what she would have done. Rubbed my nose in it. Why am I expecting you to react like her?" His voice was quiet and low. He refused to look at her.
"Because she's the only comparison you have. It's not like you had parents to watch as you grew up, to see how a happy marriage should be. You need to look outside your own marriage with Amy. Look at Glen and Rhonda's instead. He's here light years away from her, and yet she trusts him implicitly. And he trusts her too." Dill forced him to look at her. "Ty, I love you, and nothing you can say or do will change that. Amy made you feel worthless. That's obvious, and don't even try to argue about it. Have I ever made you feel like that? Have I ever?"
"No." he whispered. "You always fight me. You never let me run away."
"Because I love you and because I know why you're running. Believe me, Ty; I'll never let you run from your own feelings. You are not worthless. You are someone very special. You're special to Glen. He thinks of you as family, Ty. You're special to those kids of yours. Hell, they look up to you like you're their father. And you're special to me." Dill turned his head to kiss him softly. "It doesn't matter how you started life. Look where you are now. You have a career you love and in which you are greatly respected. Hell, Ty, the bigwigs ask your advice! You have a squadron you love and who all adore you. You have friends in Glen and Rhonda. You have a wife who loves you no matter what, and two beautiful boys who worship the ground you walk on. Do you think they care about anything other than that their daddy loves them? Isobel, she's going to love you unconditionally too. Tell me - why did you end up with Cameron?"
"I don't know." Ty whispered.
"Well, I do. Because, my love, you knew he loved you… that he'd love you no matter what. You felt safe in that knowledge." Dill pulled him to her, holding him close. "Stop fighting it, Ty. Only you can admit it to yourself. I love you, and you need to accept it and move on. Revel in it, let it keep you warm at night when I'm not here, let it be something you use as your security blanket, but know it. Believe it. Accept it. Trust it. You can't keep fighting it forever. You'll tear yourself apart." She kissed his forehead and pulled him down in the bed until they lay with him firmly ensconced in her arms. "Sleep, my love. Get some rest. That nightmare really took it out of you."
When he didn't reply, she saw that he was already asleep, a contented smile on his face. She sighed as she held him close, hoping that he would at last allow himself to believe her.
Dill watched him carefully over the next few days, aware of the subtle differences in his body language. McQueen appeared much more relaxed in general, and she was subjected to no more worried glances if she seemed a trifle snappy with him. Even Iona noticed the difference and mentioned it whilst sitting with Dill and Laura in the mess one afternoon when Ty had taken the boys to the gym with Hawkes.
"What have you done to him, Dylan?" she asked with a smile.
"Who?" Dill asked absently, looking up from her coffee.
"The Pied Piper of Hamlin!" Iona chuckled. "Ty of course, you fool!"
"Oh, him." Dill shook her head, grinning. "I haven't done anything to him. Well, nothing I've not done before."
"He seems more relaxed, less tense. He always reminded me of a piece of wire stretched taut, but now he's more … well, relaxed." Iona turned to Laura. "Don't you think?"
"Well, of course I don't know him very well, but he does seem less tense." Laura smiled.
"It's the effect the boys have on him." Dill laughed. "You should have seen him last time he came home."
"I did see him, Dylan. That's not what I mean. There's something, but I don't know what." Iona seemed thoughtful.
"Don't worry about it, Iona. It's probably nothing." Dill told her.
"Now I know something's happened!" Iona laughed. "You can't fool me, Monster Mackenzie. I know you too well."
"Monster Mackenzie?" Laura chuckled.
Dill rolled her eyes. "Monster McQueen, if you please." she laughed. Then seeing Laura's bewildered expression, laughed harder. "It's a long story. Tell her, Iona."
"It's not that long." Iona giggled, watching Dylan laugh. She turned to Laura. "When we were eight, Dylan decided to find out what was outside the Community. We knew that the loch was there - after all, we had access to it, even if we weren't supposed to go there. But we'd never been outside the gates before. So one bright sunny day, monster here tells me she's had a brilliant idea. We'll take our pocket money and go investigate the world." She grinned at Dill. "We had the princely sum of five pounds, do you remember?"
"Oh, yes. We'd had our funds stopped because we fell through that roof and caused a lot of damage to what is now my house. We had to pay for the roof repairs." Dill chuckled softly.
"Well, anyway," Iona continued, "we climbed over the wall using the hay bales that Dylan had thoughtfully stacked there, of course giving away our escape route instantly!"
"Well, I didn't see you coming up with a better plan, Campbell!"
"I had no desire to go outside. You forced me!" Iona exclaimed.
"Oh, what a whopper! Iona Campbell, you should be ashamed of yourself!" Dill laughed. "Laura, that is so not true! She was always whinging that she wanted to go outside, but she'd leave the planning to me!"
"So what was it this place?" Laura asked, fascinated by the way these two interacted.
"The Community?" Dylan asked. "It's a closed off world, full of sad women who ran away to escape the embarrassment of it being known they were pregnant by invitro's."
"Dylan!" Iona cried, shaking her head at her. "It's a community founded by a group of women, Dylan's mother, my own and another. Yes, they wanted to get away. Yes, they had children by invitro's. But they wanted to provide a safe place for those children. That they also chose to cut themselves off totally from the outside world… well, in my opinion, that was a little strange. But it was a lovely place to grow up in…"
"Unless like me, you were always asking what the world was like. Or how did the stars get up there, or do they have names." Dill sighed. "My earliest memories are of looking up at the stars, wishing I could be up there."
"Oh, Dylan, stop being so dramatic! You still live there, for goodness sake! It's where you chose to bring up your children, so stop it!" Iona scolded her. "You told me yourself Ty asked you to go and live at Loxley. You refused, so stop it. You love it really, you know you do."
"Come on girls...why the monster?" Laura interrupted.
"Oh, yes." Iona laughed. "Well, we made it into Fort Augustus and had a great time looking around. There's not a great deal there, it's really just a place for tourists. But it's nice anyway, and we spent the whole day there watching the boats going in and out of the locks. We headed home in the dark, but of course we couldn't get back over the wall from the outside. So madam here announces that we can go down to the loch and climb around the boundary wall which ran right up to the edge of the loch. Which we proceeded to do…"
"Only Iona was a better climber than me. She climbed around first, and after I fell off the wall and into the loch, screamed at me to get out quick because the monster was coming to get me." Dill laughed.
"And you really believed me!" Iona tittered loudly, drawing looks from the other occupants of the room.
"What monster?" Laura chuckled herself.
"The Loch Ness Monster!" Dill giggled. "That's where we live, on the banks of Loch Ness."
"And I've called her monster ever since." Iona laughed.
"My mother was so furious that she grounded us totally for two months." Dill smiled. "We weren't even allowed to talk to each other."
"Do you remember we had Murray delivering notes for us? I wonder what ever happened to Murray." Iona said wistfully. "I always had a thing for him."
"His mother left and took him with her, don't you remember? It was the following summer. His mother had a huge row with my mother, packed her things, and left." Dill told her. "And I've come close to doing that a few times myself!"
"Oh, stop exaggerating, Dylan." Iona said.
"You have no idea what she was like when Ty and I first got together. She was truly awful. Come on, you heard her when she found out about the boys. That was nothing, believe me. And she was so rude to him. She treated him like dirt the first time he came to stay. I think though that they've finally come to some sort of agreement. They kind of settled things when he was home for the boys' birthday. She was actually being civil to him."
"The boys!" Laura suddenly exclaimed. "I nearly forgot. The mail arrived yesterday, early for once, and I have something that might help Cameron. I'll drop it by later tonight. I just need to do some things with it first. You both need to be there so that I need only explain once, and you can ask any questions. So what would be a good time?"
"Umm - I believe Ty intends to spend some time with Glen tonight, so it had better be before that. He'll not be back till midnight. About 21:00? The boys should be out for the count by then." Dill told her.
"Ok, I'll see you then. Got to dash - I'm on duty again in a couple of mikes!" So saying, Laura left at a run.
"You're actually letting him spend time with some one else!" Iona laughed.
"Hey, I don't tell him what to do!" Dill protested. "Of course he can spend time with Glen. The poor soul is desperate to be released back to his duties, but Laura won't let him. She says he's on extended sick leave for emotional reasons. The reason being he needs to spend as much time with Cameron as possible. He's not happy about it though. He steals off to lurk in the hammerhead bays, bless him. He thinks I don't know, but I do." She looked worriedly at Iona. "Do I boss him about a lot? I know I am bossy, but do I? Do I really?"
"No, I don't think so. Maybe in fun, but I wouldn't say he's henpecked. Why? Has he complained?"
"No, it's just that -" Dill paused. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just such a control freak." She looked at Iona, worry on her face. "We had an incident a few days ago. Well, you sort of know that. He asked you to look after the boys. Well, we kind of dealt with it, but that night he had a horrific nightmare, and we talked about things. He doesn't trust me, Iona, not deep down. He's trying to, but I just don't think he's capable of trusting anyone that much. He is trying, but he expects me to suddenly decide I've had enough of him, I'm sure of it. I can feel him waiting for the other shoe to drop, and getting him to talk about it is like getting blood from a stone."
"Then you need to push him to talk to you." Iona told her. "Put those bossy boots on and push him!"
"Oh, he'll talk, but I get the feeling he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear." Dill sighed. "Deep down, he's terrified. Terrified of everything, I think… everything except the boys. I tell him a million times a day that I love him. I try to show him, too. But I swear he just thinks I'm leading him on some awful dance, and just when he feels safe, I'll pull the rug from under his feet. I really don't know how the hell I can prove to him that it is him I want, him I love. I mean, look at me! How many babies do I need to give him before he believes me! And yes, Iona, before you make some smart arsed comment, I know I could give him a million babies and it wouldn't change the way he feels!"
"Oh, Dylan." Iona sighed sadly. "And he always looks so in control. But he's less tense now, so maybe your talking helped."
"Iona, you have no idea of the things he has been through. He spent the first five years of his life being terrorized in a bloody uranium mine. I tell you I am so tempted to find the buggers in charge and kick the crap out of them!" Dill was red in the face and furious as she spoke to Iona. "And then that bitch, Amy. Well, don't get me started on her! God, how I'd like to go back and smash that pretty face! She just about ripped his self-confidence to shreds. It's no wonder he doesn't trust people - they've always crapped on him!"
"Dylan, calm down." Iona reached over to touch her arm. "If he could see you like this, he'd know. The rest of us know already."
"But he doesn't!" Dill fairly yelled. "How in the hell can I make him see? Sometimes I just want to smack him in the head. But I can't do that. He's had enough beatings already to last him his whole life. I love him, Iona. I just have no way of proving it to him. What do I have to do, die before he'll believe me? Throw myself in front of a Chig to protect him? What? It makes me so frustrated! And of course I have to stay calm and talk him through it gently, when I really want to just shake him and tell him to open his bloody eyes!"
"Dylan, he'll get there. Eventually he will. He'll wake up one day and he'll know." Iona tried to reassure her. "He loves you, Dylan, it's as plain as the nose on his face. Be content with that for now."
"Oh, I know he loves me. That's obvious. But I want him to truly believe that I love him too. And no matter what I say or do, he just doesn't, not really truly."
"Well, we don't always get what we want, do we?" Iona told her.
"Well, he desperately wants to believe it, Iona. And it's about time he did get what he wants! Hell, he already has it, if only he'd let himself trust me." Dill sighed, a long drawn-out sigh of frustration.
"It'll come, Dylan. You just have to be patient. Look, why don't I get us some more coffee. Or shall I see if they have any chocolate?"
"Patient? I've been waiting for him to see it for four years, Iona! Four bloody years! Chocolate is not going to make me feel better. Seeing my husband relax and not tense up if I tell him to sod off will make me feel better. Knowing that he's not going to keep jumping to the wrong conclusions all the time will make me feel better. Not having to pussyfoot around him will make me feel better. But chocolate is not going to. There isn't enough chocolate in the entire universe that'll make me feel better!" Dill stood up. "I need to go somewhere alone, and decide what the hell I need to do about this." She stalked off, heading for the tiny observation room that was her favorite place on the ship.
Iona decided it was time to talk to Ty.
He was still in the gym when she found him, playing pretend wrestling with the boys while Hawkes looked on with a huge grin.
"Hey Iona!" Cooper smiled at her. "I don't know what's up with the colonel, but he sure is happy today."
"Well, not for much longer, Coop. I'm about to tell him some home truths. Can you take the boys to the mess? Feed them something - bread, waffles -anything they can hold themselves. I'll be along as soon as I've finished here with him." She turned to McQueen. "Give the boys to Coop. I need to talk to you, right now."
Ty looked up at the sharp tone of her voice. "What's up? Is Dill ok?" A hint of panic showed in his voice.
"Oh, she's just peachy! Now get up and give the boys to Coop."
"What's the matter? Have I done something to upset you?" he asked, scrambling to his feet.
"It's not me who's upset. Now we'll just let Coop take the boys." She turned and watched Hawkes as he left, a chuckling toddler in each arm. Then she strode across to McQueen and hit him squarely on the jaw. "Dylan might be afraid to do that anymore, but I sure as hell am not!"
"What the hell!" he cried. "What was that for?" His hand crept to his jaw, feeling to see if it was broken.
"Listening to Dylan pouring her heart out, that's what's that's for! She loves you, you stupid fuck! Believe me when I tell you that - you obviously don't believe her! Are you trying to push her away? Is that what you really want? You want to push her away so you can turn around and say 'look everyone, I knew she'd do that!' Is that what you want? Well, it won't work. She loves you and she'll cling to you through thick and thin. Hell, she already has, hasn't she? God, you are so damn stupid. She loves you! Get that into that dumb skull of yours. Think about it! You pushed her away that time at the beach house. Oh yes, she told me all about that. She came after you because she loves you. You did it again when we showed up before the twins were born. She fought you again! Why do you think she does that, McQueen? For the good of her health? No, you dumb fuck. Because she loves you. If you would only open your eyes, you'd see that. She never intends to leave you, not willingly anyway. That's not Dylan's style. She fell in love with you, and that's it, buster. She'll be your devoted slave if you ask her to. God, you make me sick! She's so worried about you and all you can do is show her that you don't trust her! She's worrying herself about the things that have happened to you. I've never seen her like it before. I swear she'd kill, the mood she's in now. And you think she needs this, do you? On top of the whole thing with Cameron, too?"
He spoke as she stopped to draw a breath. "Iona, this is not the place!"
She glanced around at the people watching them. "Ok you guys, get the fuck out of here and give us some privacy!" she yelled at them. "Now! Go! Get out of here, or I swear I'll hit you too!"
The room emptied pretty quickly.
Iona turned back to him. "Ok, McQueen… talk, and make it good!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Iona." he told her stiffly. "You come in here screaming at me… you hit me. And now you expect me to talk to you? No, this is not happening." Ty turned and began to walk away.
Iona grabbed his arm, pulling him back with a wrench. "Oh no you don't, McQueen! This is my best friend we're talking about here. I will not allow you to continue to blight her life like this!"
"Blight her life? What the hell are you talking about?" He struggled to get free of her grip.
"Did you listen to a single word I said? Sit! Now!" She almost flung him to the floor.
Reminded so forcefully that she, too, was half invitro, Ty resigned himself to sitting and hearing her out. He sat himself cross-legged and scowled at her. "What do you want?"
"I want you to understand just how much Dylan loves you." Iona told him as she paced in front of him.
"I know how much Dill loves me. Do you think I'm blind? I see it in everything she says - everything she does." he snapped.
"But you don't trust her, do you? She's your wife! And she needs to feel that you trust her!"
"I heard you the first time, Iona." he sighed tiredly. "And I'm not having this discussion with you. With Dill, yes. With you, no."
"Then go and talk to her. I'm sure you can find her. She's taken herself off somewhere to think. You better pray she doesn't decide she's had enough!"
"That's not Dill's style and you know it." he glowered at her as he stood up. "She'll fight tooth and nail, but she won't just give up."
"You can accept that, so why can't you accept the fact that she's not performing some dreadful confidence trick on you?"
"I know where she'll be. Let me go and talk to her." Ty asked.
"Go on. But I'm warning you, McQueen - you'd better listen to what she has to say, or that jaw might just feel my fist again!"
"I always listen to what she says, even when I don't like what she's saying." he told her as he turned and headed for the door.
"McQueen!" she called just as he reached the door. He turned expectantly. "She's my best friend. Don't you hurt her."
He glared at her and left.
She was exactly where he knew she'd be, up in the tiny observation room, staring out at the hammerheads and transports as they flew about the ship.
"You love it up here, don't you?" he smiled, easing himself into the seat next to her.
"Yes, I do." she smiled back at him. "What are you doing here, my love?"
"Looking for you, of course. We need to talk. Iona just came and yelled at me, told me a few things I needed to hear." He slipped an arm around her, pulling her to him. "Dill, why didn't you tell me how you felt?"
Ty felt her tense as she spoke. "I don't know what you mean." she whispered.
"That's my line, Dill, not yours." he told her. "Iona says you think I don't trust you, that I'm trying to push you away."
"How many times do we have to have this conversation, Ty?" Dill asked in a low quiet voice, not looking at him. "I know you don't like talking about your past. I know how hard it was for you to tell me what you did. But sometimes I feel as if - well - it's just that - I feel like you're watching me, to see if I'm going to change my mind and decide I don't want you after all. It's like you expect the worst from me. And it's not just you thinking I'll act like Amy did. It's more than that." Now she'd started, the floodgates opened, and she found herself telling him all the things she'd told Iona.
McQueen sat and listened, not daring to interrupt her. He was surprised at how well she knew him, how well she was able to read him. Once she'd finished, he held her as close as he could and kissed her.
"I'm sorry, Dill, I truly am. I'm sorry. Knowing that you've already told me this just makes it worse, doesn't it?" He sighed. "Yes, I do have trust issues. I'm sorry. It's not you personally, but I can't help that. I'm trying, Dill, I am I swear. But it's not easy."
"I know you're trying, Ty, and I understand why you have trust issues. I mean, look at your life. Five years of hell in the mines and then in the IV platoons. It wasn't much better, was it? I can understand those things. I accept it. But every so often it hurts to think that you still don't trust me after all we've been through. It makes me wonder how I can prove it to you. What do I have to do?"
"You don't have to do anything, Dill. I know it here." he tapped his chest. "But in here," he tapped his head, "well, it's still so full of dark horrible things, that all I can ask is that you give me time. Please."
"I'll give you all the time in the world, my love, because I know you love me. But you need to know that sometimes it hurts, it hurts really badly, knowing that you're waiting for me to tell you it was all a big misunderstanding."
"I'm sorry, Dill." Ty said softly. "But it's like you keep telling me, the boys are learning now about trust and love. What we show them will influence the rest of their lives. When I was their age, eighteen months out of the tank, all I was shown was pain, torture, hatred… that you trusted no one except yourself. Because no matter what anyone told you, they could never be counted on when it mattered. That's what I learned as a child. And I was a child, Dill. I might have been eighteen physically when I was born, but mentally? I was like your pre-schoolers. I had no understanding of my emotions. Hell, the only ones I had were fear, terror and lust. No one showed me that things could be different until I met Glen. Ask him how I was. He'll tell you. He always used to say I looked like a deer trapped in headlights. I flinched every time he lifted a hand. He found me really hard work. In fact I have no idea why he continued to bother with me."
"Because he saw hiding in there the man you turned into, Ty. The man I fell in love with." Dill told him gently.
"But I was a child still when he met me. I looked like a grown man, but I was a child. Hell, why'd you think I loved flying so much? It was the childish delight I took in it. Me and my hammerhead… no one else to worry about. Even when I was with the Angry Angels -" he stopped for a moment, remembering. "Well, even with them, I never fully trusted them to watch my six. And somehow they managed to live up to that expectation."
"Well, if you're expecting me to decide I've had enough, you're in for a long wait. I love you far too much to let you go. We have children together, Ty. I want them to grow up with both their parents. Parents who love them. Parents that they can see love each other - trust each other."
"Oh god, Dill. And that's just why I do love you. Because I know, no matter what, you'll be there, fighting me every step of the way - refusing to let me push you away." Ty paused, trying to find the right words. "And then - and then you say something to me like the other day. You said you wouldn't stay in a marriage where your husband was scared of you. I panicked then. Suddenly you were doing what I'd been waiting for, and I didn't know how to cope. But I did know I didn't want to lose you. I was so scared you'd go, Dill."
"Oh, Ty." Dill sighed. "Know this, know it here and here." She tapped his head and chest, just as he had moments before. "I love you. I love you far too much to ever divorce you. Well, unless you suddenly become violent and start beating me and the children." At his horrified look, she laughed. "I know you'd never do that, Ty. At least not intentionally. What you'd do whilst having a nightmare is another matter. But that I understand, and I'll teach the children not to touch daddy if he's having bad dreams. I can deal with that. It's living day to day with the knowledge that I have to be careful what I say in case you take it the wrong way - the look in your eyes when you've taken a simple thing and twisted it to fit what you're expecting. Not everything has a hidden meaning, Ty."
"I'm sorry." he whispered again.
"And stop saying you're sorry all the time! You apologize for things you don't need to; things that you can't help. Just try, Ty, that's all I ask. Try to accept the fact that I love you, that I want you forever, and that I intend to be there holding your hand when you finally pop your clogs. Hell, I'll suck you off if you want, so you can die with a smile on your face!" she laughed.
"Dill!" he chuckled. "You probably would too, wouldn't you?"
"You bet. Of course, I'd expect you to do the same for me." she giggled.
"Kind of hard to do if you're planning on me dying first." Ty smiled. "I love you so much, Dill."
"I know, my love. That's something I see every time I look at you - it makes you positively glow. It's not your love I doubt. Though, to be honest, I'm astounded at the depth of love you give me. You've accomplished so much in your life, had so many obstacles to face, it's a wonder you survived at all. Just getting as far as you have, that's a major achievement. And to be able to love the boys and me as you do, well that's something that makes me so proud of you. It's a miracle that you're as sane as you are, that you're actually capable of loving anyone, especially after what Amy did to you. When I think back to the way you flirted so outrageously with me when we first met - and when you came to my quarters, well, I can see now how much courage that took."
"Well, I had help." he smiled. "You made it quite plain that you wanted me the way I wanted you. I honestly wasn't expecting anything more than a quick tumble. Well, maybe a few tumbles before you had to leave. But suddenly I found myself needing you. It scared me. And then when that first parcel arrived, I could see that to you it wasn't just a casual thing." Ty kissed her forehead. "I still have the dagger you know. I tried keeping it in my boot, but I kept stabbing myself in the foot with it. I put it in my footlocker to keep it safe from the little guys. Usually it lives on my desk. But when you wrote and asked me to come and visit you on my next leave, I was terrified. What if you didn't like me any more? If I was fooling myself that you cared? And then when you said you were inviting Hawkes as well -" He stopped, a blush creeping up his face. "Well, my immediate thought was that you'd been sleeping with him, too, and wanted the both of us in your bed together." Ty hurried on as she stared at him amazed. "I sounded him out, and you have no idea how relieved I was to discover that you hadn't slept with him. But you see, even then I was still expecting what I'd experienced in the mines. I mean, it was usual to be called in and told to perform. And then, while you were, to suddenly have another tank join in too. It was frightening to think that maybe while I was making love to you, you might want Hawkes to be doing me."
"God, Ty." Dill whispered. "I would never have invited him if I'd known you would think that. Anyway, why would I need anyone else? You're all the man I'll ever need!" She stroked his face and stood up.
"Come on, let's go. Laura is coming at 21:00 and she wants to talk to both of us. So we need to reclaim our children, feed them, bath them and put them to bed. And I'd like to take you to bed before she arrives." At his raised eyebrow, she giggled. "You told me you're going to see Glen later. Well, I'll probably be asleep when you get back, so I want to show you how much I love you now."
Dill waited as he stood up, then turned and wrapped her arms around him. "I know you've had a hellish life, Ty, but it doesn't need to be like that anymore. I love you. The boys love you. The 58th love you. Glen loves you. We all love you. We trust you to be there watching our six - let us watch yours."
She took his hand and led him away.
Once the boys were fed and cleaned up and both asleep in their cots, Dill took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom.
"Come on, flyboy. I want to make love to you before Laura arrives." Dill grinned wickedly. "You know, I'm producing milk again already - hungry?"
"Oh, yes. Why is it that I find this whole pregnancy thing so damn sexy?" Ty asked eagerly as she pushed him down on the bed.
"Damned if I know." she mumbled as she began to undress him. "Lift your hips."
"Yes, ma'am." he grinned, as his flight suit slid down his body. "Are you going to take the whole thing off? Or just leave it there?" Ty asked as it pooled round the top of his boots.
"Well, who's a demanding colonel today? Give me a chance, for goodness sake! It's not like you're helping here!" Dill chuckled, sitting down and lifting his foot to undo the boot.
"You said you wanted to make love to me, so I'm letting you." he snickered, lifting his other foot. "Here, I'm helping, happy?"
"I will be when I get you totally naked, so take that turtle neck off while I get your boxers." She finally pulled the flight suit off him, taking his socks with it. "You need to throw these socks away, Ty, they have a hole developing."
"Your idea of sweet talk does nothing for me, Dill." Ty chuckled, jerking as her hand slid inside his boxers.
"That any better?" she giggled, pumping him slowly.
"Oh dear god!" he groaned. "That's much, much better. Faster."
"Let me get these boxers off and I can see to you properly." Dill grinned, using her free hand to slide the offending garment down his legs. She took the opportunity to gently stroke his inner thighs. "You still haven't taken that turtleneck off yet, mister. Am I gonna have to do that too?" "I'll do it! I'll do it!" Ty panted. "Just don't stop, Dill. It feels so good." He twisted himself in knots trying to get the jumper over his head, finally tangling himself with his arms trapped too.
"Oh, now you're in trouble." Dill chuckled. Her other hand crept up his thigh to massage his testicles. "You're stuck, and I can do whatever I want to you."
"Don't you always?" Ty moaned, his head stuck inside the turtleneck. "Faster Dill, please. I'm nearly there." He cried out as she stopped. "Noooooo! "
"Oh, stop it." Dill whispered, kissing his abdomen, feeling the skin quiver under her lips. "I'm gonna make you feel better than that."
Her hand slipped underneath him, spreading his legs slightly. "Are you ready?" she whispered, sucking her fingers to wet them.
"Please, Dill, help me out here. Get me out of this thing!"
"Oh no, my love. You can stay in there till I'm finished with you." she giggled.
"Dill, please?" he pleaded. "I don't like it, please."
Dill looked up at the tone of his voice. He was starting to lose his erection, she noticed. She scrambled up to the other end of the bed, pulling the turtleneck off him quickly.
"Are you alright?" she asked, worry showing on her face.
"I am now." he told her, his voice low, the panic in his eyes fading as she kissed him.
"I'm sorry, Ty. I take it you've been blindfolded and hurt before now?" At his nod, Dill lay next to him and held him. "I'm sorry. I seem to just keep digging up these bad memories for you. All I wanted to do was make you feel good."
"I know. It's all right now that it's off my head. I can relax and enjoy it. So where were we?" Ty smirked. "Oh, I remember. I bought you something. It's not proper lube, but it'll do."
She looked at him. "You had it ready?"
"Well, I was hoping I'd get to say hi to that pokey finger of yours." he grinned. "So I stopped by the PX and bought some baby oil. Everyone knows the boys are on board, so no one looked oddly at me."
"Have I been hurting you?" Dill looked at him, concerned. "I'll buy some lube for next time you're home."
"No, my lovely little elf, you've not hurt me. Not at all. But I thought it'd be nicer, that's all. Now come on. Let's get you out of your clothes." Ty grinned. "And then we can play pokey fingers all night long. Because as you well know, I have a fine set of pokey fingers myself!"
Dill giggled, sitting up to start removing her own clothes. "You are such a silly arse, Tyrus McQueen, and I love you so much!"
Ty pulled her down onto the bed. "And I love you, Dylan McQueen. Come here and let me play pokey fingers!"
She giggled as he began pulling at her clothes.
Laura arrived just as McQueen emerged from the shower, a towel around his waist.
"Oh, sorry." she said. "I can come back if you'd rather."
"No, it's okay Laura. Just give him a minute to dress and we can sit down and talk about Cameron." Dill told her with a smile. "Sit down. He's a fast dresser. And anyway, I'm sure he's got nothing you haven't seen before."
"Dill!" Ty exclaimed, heading into the bedroom.
"Everything okay with you two now?" Laura whispered. "After the other day, I mean."
"Yes, it is, thanks." Dill said, not wanting to discuss it with her. "We talked and dealt with it. We're fine. Sit down, Laura. Can I get you anything? I know Ty has some scotch hidden somewhere."
"No, I'm fine, thanks. I just need to show you this, explain about it, and then I'm hitting my bed with a large thump!" Laura smiled.
"Well, I'm here." McQueen said, coming out of the bedroom in his flight suit, with his socks in his hand.
"Okay then, lets get started, shall we?" Laura asked as he sat next to Dill on the sofa, pulling his socks on.
Laura noted the way he sat close enough that his thigh touched Dill's, and how Dill put her hand on his leg automatically. She smiled as she realised that it was totally unconscious on both their parts.
"Right then." she told them. "When I worked in pediatrics, we sometimes had children who had to come in for long stays. There where times, of course, when their parents were unable to stay with them. Of course we always encouraged parents to stay, but it isn't always possible. We would find, however, that most of the children dealt with it fine. But the occasional one would get really upset- scream, cry, endlessly call for its parents, or for one particular parent."
"Like Cameron does." McQueen nodded.
"Yes, like Cameron does. He's not so bad at the moment, is he? I saw him with that tall chappie, Hawkes, is it? He seemed perfectly fine then. But that's almost certainly because he knows you're here, colonel - that he knows he's going to see you." Laura shook her head. "Anyway, something we came up with was a soft toy, a doll, made up to look like whichever parent the child was missing. We found that for most children it really worked. So I sent to the hospital and asked if I could have one of the 'Daddy dolls'. I've made a few modifications, but I'm hoping it will be ok."
She reached into the bag she'd brought with her and produced, to McQueen's horror, a rag doll wearing a black flight suit. The doll had blue embroidered eyes, and a tiny embroidered navel on its neck, hiding just under the incredibly pale, short hair.
"Now I realize this is a bit odd looking, but I had to make the suit myself, with a little help from the folk in the laundry." Laura smiled. "What you need to do, colonel, is sit down with Cameron, show him the doll, and personalize it even more. Thanks to the laundry folk, that flight suit of yours I trashed is still about. That's what I made this suit from. I'd say you need to let him see you taking the patches from that suit and putting them on this one. He needs to feel that this is you. A substitute you, at least. And smell is very important too, so whatever aftershave or soap you use, then Dylan you need to keep sprinkling it on this."
"That smell, Ty? " Dill asked him. "That certain whiff that accompanies you always."
"Hammerhead fuel." Ty smiled.
"Then this doll needs to spend time in a hammerhead, absorbing that smell. Because believe me, if Dylan notices it, then Cameron does too. But most of all, he needs to feel that this is very precious to you." Laura hesitated, knowing he wouldn't like what she was going to say next. "So you need him to think you sleep with it. Take it to bed with you for the rest of his stay here. Let him see it in your bed - you holding it, cuddling with it, taking it with you whenever you leave him."
"You seriously want me to walk around carrying a doll!" From the horrified look on his face, both women knew he was not happy. Not at all.
"Ty." Dill ventured, stroking his arm. "You don't actually have to carry it around all the time. Just so that he can see you."
"Well -" Laura said softly.
They both turned to stare at her.
"We found that unless you get into the habit of carrying it around all the time, you tend to put it down and forget about it. I'd recommend that you do, in fact, take it with you everywhere you go. And only add the patches the day before Dylan and the children leave. And don't forget to give a little something to Hamish too, though. You don't want to start a rivalry issue going as well!"
"I can't walk around the ship carrying that, that - thing!" Ty practically yelled. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm sorry, Dill. I can't do that. The whole idea is just, well, it's absurd!"
"For Cameron, Ty. You can do it for him, surely?" Dill asked him quietly.
"I'm sorry, Dill. I can't. I'd be a laughing stock. My reputation would be shot to hell! And, it's, well…" he blushed, "it's damn humiliating."
"Ty, please?" Dill entreated. "At least try."
"In here, yes. I can do it. Hell, the damn thing can sit on the bed. I'll carry it about. But it's not going through that door with me. No way. Not till hell freezes over!"
Seeing Dill's distraught face brought out the nurse in Laura. "Well then, Colonel McQueen, as I see it, we don't have many other options. Either you do this for your son, or… we put him on drugs to keep him calm. And of course it'd take a while to get the dosage right. After all, he's only a baby. And he has a huge amount of invitro genes too, so it'd be difficult to find him a safe drug. But I'm sure if we start in the morning we can find something in a week or so. Then again, I could ask that you be discharged from the corps on medical grounds and send you home permanently."
"No!" Dill cried. "We can't fill him full of drugs, Ty. He's only a baby. He just needs his daddy. Oh Ty, please?"
"You would seriously get me thrown out of the corps?" Ty whispered, his face deathly white.
"Yes, I would. The emotional distress it's causing your son warrants it, in my opinion. And to be frank with you, colonel, if you're the kind of man who would even consider giving such a tiny child the type of drugs necessary, well then, I think you have emotional issues that need addressing too."
"That's blackmail." he snapped. "You know I wouldn't let you drug him. You know how I feel about drugs." Ty looked at Dill's scared face. "I have no choice, do I?"
"I'm sorry." Dill whispered, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
Ty sighed, knowing he had to admit defeat. "Ok, I'll do it." he grumbled. "But I want it on record that I don't like it. Not one damn bit!"
"Oh, Ty!" Dill cried, flinging herself onto him and kissing him soundly. "I knew you would. Don't worry, we'll tell the 58th why you have to carry it, and they'll spread the word. The whole ship knows the boys are here. Half the ship has seen you with them. They'll just know what a devoted father you are! They'll think it's cute."
"They'll laugh at me!" Ty growled unhappily as he pulled his boots on.
"No, colonel, they won't. I'll leak it from sick bay that this is for your sons' health and well being, and no one will laugh." Laura told him as she stood up. "Well, unless you have any questions, I'm off I need to sleep. "
"Good night Laura, and thank you so much!" Dill said, standing and hugging her.
"That's okay, I'm glad to be of help. I hope it works." So saying, she left them alone.
"I'm going to see Glen." McQueen told her, lacing his boots and stalking toward the door, his face bleak at the prospect before him.
"Here, don't forget the daddy doll!" Dill grinned, throwing it at him.
He caught it automatically, and looked at her disgustedly. "I am not taking this with me!"
"Start as you mean to go on, my love" Dill smiled. "You can tell Glen all about it. I'm sure he'll understand."
"Are you mad?" Ty asked, staring at her. "He'll crow over this for months!"
"Scoot!" she laughed. "And don't you lose him, or all conjugal rights will be suspended for the foreseeable future!"
"Dylan McQueen, sometimes I think you're completely evil, do you know that?" Ty grouched, stuffing the doll down inside his suit as he went out the door.
Next : Part Five
Previous : Part Three
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