Kylen slammed into her room, ripping off clothing as she crossed to the
bathroom. The only answer was hot water. She wasn't used to fighting with
people she cared so deeply for and was upset by the incident itself, let
alone the content. The bitter exchange had left her feeling dirty. She set
the shower for the hottest temperature she could stand and the strongest
massage. She gave a quick shake to the bottles of perfumed soap and shampoo
that Eithne had given her.
Downstairs in the parlor, Amy was absolutely glued to her chair,
flabbergasted. Steinbeck seemed relieved and a bit amused. "That was one
pissed off little cheerleader," he said to himself. McQueen was still
standing at the foot of the stairs - looking at the spot where Kylen had
stood, but focusing on something within himself. Dale approached McQueen and
calmly picked up the shoe. "I particularly liked the bit about the nasty
burning little red eyes," he chuckled. "She certainly can turn a phrase, our
little Kylen," Dale said, leaving no doubt that the exchange had been
overheard in its entirety.
McQueen spun around to face the doctor. "How much longer?" he demanded. "How
much longer do I have to stay here? Sitting around your house doing nothing.
I've got to get out of here. I have to do something. I've got to get back."
Dale turned the shoe over in his hand. "Shoe therapy. Now, why didn't I think
of that?" He paused briefly and then steered McQueen back into the library.
"To answer your question," Dale replied. "First of the year. The end is in
sight, Ty, but let me give you some advice. Calm down and then go upstairs
and grovel. She is a woman, and groveling usually helps," he chuckled to
himself. "If you don't make your manners with her tonight, she's likely to
put the other shoe up your butt tomorrow."
"Apologize?" McQueen was indignant. "Me? She was a little harridan."
"Not very pretty but effective," Dale remarked. He paused before continuing
in a different tone. "Ty, she admires and respects you. Don't look at me
like that. You know I'm right. Other than the odd joke and occasional
gentle teasing - and I stress gentle - when has she ever shown you
disrespect? I don't know how she behaves privately, but publicly she has
always paid you your due. Even with Amy and me she will only call you Colonel
or Sir. Ty, she brought you news. Kylen wants you to be proud of her. She
wanted your approval. Calling someone a little puke isn't exactly the best
way to do that."
"She comes here to get away from the circus at her house. She comes here for
herself. So she can feel better. I do not exist to make her feel better."
McQueen muttered with an intensity that mildly surprised Steinbeck.
"Of course she comes here because you make her feel better. I like to think
that I make her feel better. That Amy does, too. But you can't pretend that
she is a little bloodsucker either. You can't tell me that she doesn't
lighten your spirits. That your days, hell, all of our days, are just a
little more interesting when she does visit. Tell me that she never plans
things to distract you, or that she never makes you laugh. That she never
pays attention to your feelings or what you have to say. Even if she is
sometimes trying, tell me that you don't enjoy her company. You can't. Give
me a break. Kylen knows who you are. Fair trade is no robbery, Ty."
Kylen was washing her hair, letting the water rinse away the anxiety. Damn
it, I bitch to him about his anger and I can't control my own. The fight
had made her aware that she had been training her own rage. A Doberman to his
gorilla, true, but she had been keeping it hidden.
"Black thoughts grow best in the dark," she quoted her favorite colonel.
I've been stuffing things away in a dark place deep inside myself. Kylen
had been trying to follow McQueen's advice; not to worry about things over
which she had no control, but she was finding it difficult. I wonder how
well he really does it? Can he control his thoughts as well as he does his
dreams?
Survivor's guilt was a well known and documented psychological reality, but
there was a world of difference between reading an article and living with
shadows. Being free was one thing - claiming ownership of that freed self was
another. When Kylen looked into the mirror she often didn't recognize the
woman who was now living behind her eyes. And worse yet was the knowledge
that often the people with whom she shared her life, her history and her love
didn't recognize that woman either. Her family wrapped themselves around
her. Interested, open but never pressing, they had all taken the lessons of
the "decompression" seminars to heart. The family tried to let her find her
own way. They ignored her foul language as best they could. (That had been a
big change she hadn't even realized until four letter words started falling
off of her tongue in the middle of her father's living room.) She could see
compassion in their eyes and could feel their love and patience. Sometimes it
made her feel like they were sapping her strength rather than assisting, and
it made her want to scream. They had thought her dead - 'anything dead
coming back to life hurts.'
The counselors had been right about other behaviors as well. Most of the
time things went pretty well. She still had trouble sleeping and actually
felt the most comfortable, the most truly at home, in the middle of the night
when she was the only one up and around. Alone, but with people around her.
There but not there. Kylen found herself weighing people and judging them.
The ups and downs of the everyday life that most people lived, the life she
had dreamed of every night in the mines, often seemed trivial. Too many
silly, worthless things that people worried about and on which they wasted
their time and energy. Often even her family all appeared weak to her -
untempered and untried. Her father, her brothers and her sisters still too
often treated her with kid gloves and Kylen felt that she could easily break
any one of them with the sheer force of her will if she so desired. They made
her impatient. Sometimes she wondered how they could breathe.
Kylen found that she now often preferred the company of people that she had
only just met, people who knew her since the disaster on Tellus. Steinbeck's
house had, until this evening, been a release. Everyone here just took her
as she was today. No one had looked for subtle differences in her reactions
or had held her up to an imaginary line on the wall. Until this evening.
Kylen was forced to realize something uncomfortable. What had bothered her
the most hadn't been McQueen's temper. She had seen it before. His isolation
did seem extreme which deeply worried but did not surprise her. But what had
upset Kylen - had caused her to lash out - was the fact that for the first
time McQueen had treated her as he treated everyone else. She had observed
that he could attack people and ideas effortlessly, quietly, dismissively.
She knew that he had a streak of ruthlessness if pushed. McQueen had put up
'Do Not Disturb' signs but had never slammed the door in her face. He had
warned her to back off; setting out clear boundaries that she had respected.
But she had never before felt the actual fusillade of his brusque dismissal
and aloof appraisal. He had never aimed his guns at her. Kylen had gotten
used to the pride of place. She had come to think of it as her own little
Door: No number but her tiny name instead. Her trust was shaken and it hurt
and frightened her to be shut out of his circle.
"Civilians!" Ty used the term like a curse.
Dale responded: "I suppose we civilians are from a different reality, but the
fact remains that, you are immensely important to her. You are her link to
both worlds. The one world she had before Tellus and the one she lives in
now. She is devoted to you. Kylen wants you strong and clear. She wants you
to be your best, not just because she feels safe with you, but for you - all
by yourself - just you - because you have great worth. But I will tell you
this, T.C. McQueen: She does want something from you. She wants you to think
of her as valuable.... And since it is 'Samuel Clemens Night - who, until
this evening, I never thought of as confrontational - at least not in this
sense)," he gestured with the shoe. "Remember: 'Keep away from people who
belittle your ambitions.'" He gave McQueen a moment to think it over.
"Nathan isn't here but you are. You really don't know how significant you are
to her, do you?"
"Of course she has value. I wouldn't be pissed off if she didn't have value,"
McQueen protested, choosing to ignore Steinbeck's question.
"So tell her. Look, Tyrus, I know that you've been dealing with your
self-image, but you may also have to deal with your image of the future. And
I don't just mean in the war."
"What are you talking about ?"
"Face it, no matter how you may have pictured your death, you just may not go
out in a blaze of glory - and you will never be one to just fade away. You
will die one day. But it just may be that you will die old, in your own bed,
hopefully surrounded by people who care about you." McQueen just snorted his
doubt at that statement.
Amy had entered with a brandy which she handed to her cousin, Dale. "Why
wouldn't we be there?" she asked McQueen. "Besides, after tonight, Kylen will
be there just to make sure that you really are dead." The snide remark
actually eased McQueen's hostility. Amy spoke again.
"Ty, I know that you love her." Amy held up her hand to cut short any
protest. "Make that: I know the manner in which you love her. If you want
to dance at her wedding ... if you one day hope to be called 'Uncle T.C.' and
to get silly drawings from her children to hang in your quarters .... You
should take his advice. Listen to Dale. Kylen will forgive you almost
anything, I think, but don't be fooled, she doesn't come here to babysit your
attitude."
Dale gave McQueen a moment to think it over then added: "Grief can take care
of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to
divide it with."
Kylen was washing her hair for the second time and trying to analyze the
confrontation. She came to the conclusion that she had wanted McQueen to do
something that now, upon reflection, she didn't think that he was able to do:
Kylen had wanted him to let go of his rage. She believed McQueen implicitly,
and he had once told her that a good commander does not give orders that are
impossible to follow. Now Kylen was no longer sure if letting go of his anger
was a good thing for him to do - a safe thing. In her estimation, he was a
keenly balanced individual. Kylen had heard somewhere that to be normal meant
the ability to work and to love. McQueen was normal and he had paid dearly
to be that way. Not that it meant he had a particularly well balanced
personality. She considered several things as she turned the water
temperature up even higher as if the hot water drumming on her back would
clarify her thoughts.
McQueen is an angry man and has lots of reasons to be such. He is driven
and single minded. He is accomplished and successful and, most importantly,
he has built himself from the ground up. People ask for and respect his
opinion. Hell, wasn't that what I wanted? His good opinion? McQueen has
tested and polished himself - found the mix that fuels his successes. No,
expecting him to give up that spike of anger is like expecting a thoroughbred
not to be hot-blooded and fractious. Take it away and the balance could be
thrown off. For a man in his line of work that could be dangerous. Maybe
fatal. McQueen didn't have to just stand balanced on the edge of a cliff
- he had to walk over it on a tightrope and he carried the weight of others
on his shoulders while he did it. If fortune would smile, someday he could
relax - but today wasn't the day. His life and that of others could depend on
his sense of self - his sense of balance. For now, changes had to be made in
very small increments.
Amy and Dale led Ty into the parlor where they sat while they all composed
their thoughts and emotions. They could all hear that Kylen had retreated
into the shower. No one could really think of anything to say, so they sat
for quite a while in silence. Finally they heard the water stop and Kylen's
footsteps could be heard coming from the floor above. The sound seemed to
provided a release for the trio.
Dale looked at Amy. "What family doesn't have it's little problems?"
"What?" she asked, tired. She really hadn't heard him and didn't really
care. "Oh, Dale, I'm tired. I don't know what you mean and I'm going up to my
room." She gave Ty a pat on the back, kissed Dale on the cheek goodnight and
started up the stairs. Dale followed her and gave her the answer. "It's from
'The Lion in Winter.' Don't worry, Kylen will know."
Kylen had put on her pajamas and was brushing her teeth. Since her first
night at The Barn she had left her toothbrush and a few toiletries in the
little bathroom attached to what Dale had assured her was "her" room. She had
staked her claim on this little corner of the universe. Someday. Someday,
maybe even tomorrow, I'll have to take this with me when I go. The thought
of not leaving something of herself behind in this house, with these people,
made her very sad. Dale is probably going to take the news of my decision
to work for the Corps about as well as McQueen, and Amy flat out hates the
Big Green.
Kylen sat on her bed and pulled out her journal, which she had started to
keep at the suggestion of Doctor Feller. In reality it was also a scrapbook
of sorts. Kylen had filled it with articles, news stories and pictures, as
well as the writing of the ups and downs of her readjustment. She was amused
to see that she had unconsciously divided the journal into sections. There
was a special place for her family and a section filled with items about the
disastrous Tellus mission. There was now a divider for Maine and life at The
Barn, and a section for Nathan which was also filling with things about the
58th.
When she finds out I'm compartmentalizing, Feller will probably schedule a
half a dozen more intensive sessions. If he was in a better mood, McQueen
would probably get a good chuckle over the fact that I'm dividing my life
into compartments, she thought. Colonel McQueen was the only person who
inhabited more than one section of her journal.
Kylen looked at a picture of Nathan. It was a formal portrait of him in his
dress blues wearing the Montgomery Star. He was a recruitment officer's
dream.
Kylen's study of the Marine Corps had revealed a strange dichotomy. A number
of individual Marines seemed to have difficulty accepting the cultural
differences between their lives and the lives of the civilian population.
When she had been at Marine Headquarters, she had overheard a couple of
Marine enlisted men use the word "Nasty" when talking about the civilians
they had to shepherd around. It had struck her as odd, this friction between
the military and "The World" that so many of the men longed for. Kylen had
finally asked the corporal who had been assigned to take her to see the
Marine Corps Memorial at Arlington.
The young man had apologized that she had heard the remark, but, she noted,
he didn't apologize for the remark itself.
"It is a difficult thing to explain, Ma'am. I suppose that many men and
women in the services find that there is a lack of discipline in the general
population. And on a personal note, Ma'am, I don't believe that I have heard
anyone outside of the Corps - other than my father and my minister - use the
term 'integrity.' The Marine Corps just lives by a different code.
Kylen turned a few pages and found the most recent news article about Colonel
McQueen. Another formal portrait of an officer in the dress uniform. But
there was a difference in this photograph.
McQueen's devotion to the Marine Corps was unquestionable. It was a perfect
example of the Square Peg. But for the first time Kylen saw that there was a
possibility that there was an unacknowledged element inside that commitment.
Kylen wondered if it was discomfort with the civilian world, fear of the lack
of rules - the existence of riots, ghettos and the everpresent IVA.
The InVitro units had been disbanded by law. An InVitro joined the military
now only by free will. She was not so naive as to believe that there weren't
two standards of behavior - one for Naturals and one for InVitros - but the
framework within the military was firm, the expectations clearly laid out.
There was only so much a bigot could get away with. It had to be better than
in 'The World,' as Marines called civilian life. It certainly had to be
better for McQueen with every rank he had achieved especially now as a Full
Bird Colonel. Begrudgingly or not, every Marine had to give him the respect
of his rank and achievement. McQueen would never be treated with the same
respect and civility in the private sector.
Kylen compared the photographs of Nathan and McQueen. Nathan looked like the
man you would want to have defending your freedom. 'Character, leadership,
duty, integrity.' He filled the uniform the way you hoped it would be
filled. It added an air of maturity and competence. Kylen smiled and stroked
the face in the photograph with her finger.
The portrait of McQueen was subtly different. In his case the uniform did not
add to the man: The man added to the uniform. Kylen was familiar with Door
Number Two - McQueen in command mode. She had seen him in uniform, but not
like this. This image was a door to a part of the man that she didn't know.
It was not a picture of the man she considered her one of her closest
friends. It was almost a photograph of a stranger - someone who she could
only vaguely imagine. McQueen looked not only like an officer and a
gentleman. Not only warrior - but High Priest. The dress blue tunic was his
sacred vestment, his ephod. Kylen wouldn't have been in the least surprised
to see the Ark of the Covenant behind him.
McQueen had heard Dale and Amy close their doors, had listened as they both
padded around their rooms getting ready for bed. When all was silent in the
house, McQueen finished his drink in solitude and then he too started up the
stairs.
Chapter 30 - Akhenaton
McQueen stood outside of Kylen's door, pausing momentarily. I feel
absolutely ridiculous, he thought. Apologies were like good-byes to him.
He didn't like them and rarely made them. You didn't apologize in the Marine
Corps. Not usually. Rarely. You said 'Aye Aye' or 'Yes, Sir,' ' No, Sir'
or 'No Excuse, Sir.' But you rarely, if ever, said 'I'm sorry.' Besides,
I'm not even sure what I'm sorry for...What I did .... She was the one who
came after me....... No, that's not the truth. She isn't one of your
Marines. She isn't in boot camp. You stupid tank, you tried to walk all over
her. McQueen knocked gently on the door, unsure of what waited for him on
the other side.
"Come in."
McQueen opened the door. He did not enter, but stood in the doorway.
Thank God she isn't packing her bag. She isn't going to leave. He only
just realized that he had been afraid of that. Afraid that she would leave.
Kylen was sitting cross-legged on the bed. She looked at him impassively,
which was not what McQueen had expected. He wasn't sure what such an
expression from her meant, and she had learned it from him. "Kylen, may I
speak with you?" She gave him the once-over and he knew he was being "read."
She was looking for something. Whatever it was she must have found it
because she spoke.
"Listening," was all she said, but it gave him a sense of relief.
"Could we go downstairs, please? " he suggested. His training was ingrained
and totally unconscious. He was an InVitro, Kylen a Natural-Born. He wouldn't
enter the bedroom of a Natural-Born woman unless invited and preferably in
front of witnesses. Kylen was dimly aware of his racial discomfort, and it
hurt her for herself and for him. And yet, the kitchen was neutral ground and
a better place for this conversation. She put on her slippers and a robe. Her
appearance bewildered the Marine. Kylen was wearing thermal pajamas. Green -
a shade that Ty had never seen in nature. The robe was one that Dale had
loaned to Kylen the first night she had spent in the house. An ancient
"Indian Blanket" woolen number. Dale was almost a foot taller than Kylen. The
robe dragged the ground and was large enough to fit two of her. The sleeves
had been rolled up and held with safety pins. It was huge and ridiculous -
and although Ty didn't know - Kylen loved it. Her slippers were beyond his
ken altogether. They were big, fluffy, and pink. They looked like stuffed
animals, and the right one squeaked when she took a step. It was so fantastic
that he couldn't even laugh. He'd never seen anything like it in his entire
life.
Kylen swept past him and down the stairs. McQueen had a feeling that things
weren't going well. He whispered to himself: "Every lion cometh forth from
his den." He hadn't intended for her to hear him - at least not consciously -
but Kylen, three or four steps ahead of him, had heard.
"All serpents, they sting, " she snapped, finishing the couplet without
looking back. McQueen didn't respond. He was unsure if her response was a
warning or an accusation.
They regrouped in the kitchen. McQueen held out a chair for Kylen and she
sat. He sat across from her. Both had their hands folded in front of them on
the table. She remained impassive and waited for him to speak - and waited.
McQueen thought he knew how he would start if one of the 58th was sitting in
front of him, but he was balancing what to say to Kylen. He was struck again
by the lack of clear rules outside The Corps. She probably needed the same
guidance that his 'Kids' did, but he didn't know how to say it. He had seen
- but had no real understanding - of the life she had lived.
Kylen continued to wait. This time was different. Before she had always
broken - had spoken first. This time it was different: She would not be
moved. McQueen could feel himself begin to fidget. This was unbelievable. He
was going to crack first and he knew it. McQueen did not want to look Kylen
in the eyes so he looked at her hands folded on the table in front of him.
Kylen followed his gaze and immediately removed her hands from the table.
Oh, shit. Good move, McQueen. Focus on what makes her uncomfortable. Way to
go ace. he cursed himself.
Strangely enough, McQueen had inadvertently tipped the scales in his own
favor. He had succeeded in breaking her concentration. Kylen's will had been
shaken, and now she could wait no longer. She fell back on the tried and true
- sarcasm. "So, McQueen? How about them Patriots, huh?"
McQueen's train of thought was destroyed. How does she do that? Wang would
have loved her. And for the first time the memory of Paul didn't hurt.
Kylen spoke: "It is my fondest wish that someday...someday I'll get to hear
you really laugh - really laugh out loud."
"And someday you will do as I tell you," McQueen shot back before he could
think better of it. But she hadn't listened to him. He had repeatedly told
her to get away from these people as soon as she could. To get away from him
as well.
Shit, don't push his buttons, Kylen thought. McQueen still thinks
enough of you to make peace......or I think that's why .... I hope that's why
he brought me down here.
"Hot chocolate?" she asked quickly. She stood up and crossed behind McQueen
to make the drink. She was unconsciously playing a power card by forcing him
to turn in his chair.
"Coffee. Please," he responded without thinking, and realized that she wasn't
going to bring up the sore subject. She would dance around it forever. It was
up to him.
"Kylen, I hate to tell you this, but a PFC gets more respect than a Second
Lieutenant, particularly at assimilated rank. It's well known that a 'Butter
Bar' can't pour piss out of a boot." It irritated him that she would not sit
still.
"I don't intend to stay a 'Butter Bar.'" She tossed the remark over her
shoulder like she had used the term for years when in fact this was the first
time she had heard it. McQueen's statement had thrown her a bit but also
increased her determination.
"Kylen, I know about this. I'm afraid you've been sold a bill of goods. It's a
highly disciplined life. You can't have those in the Corps," he said,
pointing at her bunny slippers. "Marines don't wear pink." He was actually a
bit concerned that The Corps would stifle her. He enjoyed her independent
spirit. But what McQueen was really trying desperately not to admit to
himself - what did not fit with his self-image - what he was only just barely
conscious of - was that he was jealous. The Corps wanted Kylen.
"They are Bridee's. She gave them to me. She thought that she was too old for
them so she gave them to me. Go figure. Be glad that you bypassed thirteen,
Bird. It's no picnic. "
McQueen could not contain himself. "But what are they?" he asked.
"Bunny slippers. No, I don't imagine that Amy ever wore Bunny slippers, did
she? We may have a problem with Bridee by the way, McQueen."
"What are you talking about, Kylen? I can't keep up," he admitted for the
first time in his life. He knew that Bridee was one of the sisters - other
than that he was lost. It didn't occur to him that he had correctly
interpreted the "we" in Kylen's statement to mean him and Kylen - not Kylen
and her family.
"Bridee. She is in love with Cooper Hawkes."
"She doesn't know Cooper Hawkes," McQueen said. His lack of understanding was
complete.
"Like I said, she is thirteen. Bridee thinks Coop is incredible. She's heard
the stories. She's seen his picture, which she now keeps beside her bed, by
the way. That's enough when you're thirteen." Kylen realized that the point
of her conversation was too far outside of his realm. McQueen was beyond
lost, and there really wasn't anything he could do about it in any case. Such
things often took care of themselves. The overt tension between them was
dissolving. " Never mind," she said. "I'll try to handle it. But we aren't
here to talk about Bridee and Coop, are we? And you didn't call me down here
to discuss footwear."
Kylen had managed to regain control of herself. McQueen's thinking had been
correct. Kylen had been reading him as he had stood outside her door. Kylen
knew she could have avoided the argument - could have headed it off any
number of times. McQueen had only given as good as he had gotten: This she
knew. She had read him not so much for an apology as for a sign that he had
not rejected her. A willingness to go on.
"I still forget sometimes," Kylen said and busied herself. "Here. Help me."
She gestured to the cups and dishes she had removed from the cupboard and to
the dessert, pie left from dinner. Eating together - breaking bread - was
something one did with friends. To Kylen it signaled more than a truce: It
was a way to come together again.
"When I see you every day ... ,"she said softly. Almost all of their real
conversations took place in hushed tones and half whispers, even when they
were alone. They only used conversational tones to communicate the
unimportant - the everyday. Neither Kylen nor McQueen was aware of the
astonishing impression of intimacy this gave to other people. This was just
who they were with - and for each other. "When I see you here, like this -
with us ... With me - I forget."
"What do you forget?" McQueen had opted to follow her detour for the moment.
He wasn't looking forward to apologizing and he had learned that a winding
path is often the easiest way to get to the top. He rose and helped her
transfer the items to the table.
"I forget what General Radford told me about you," Kylen admitted.
"What was that?" he asked tenuously.
"I asked him about you once. 'Is McQueen as good as I think he is?" (That
was exactly how she had worded the question - they had been talking about
McQueen's abilities as a pilot, but Radford had captured the many layers of
her question.) "He gave me two words .... Well, three." She turned to look
at McQueen.
"Radford said: 'No, he's better.'"
The words hung in the air, floating like contrails near the ceiling. McQueen
and Kylen were silent while the imagined vapor dissipated in the air.
McQueen finally wheeled around on his cane, went to the butler's pantry and
returned with a bottle of scotch. It was going to be a long night.
Chapter 31 - Kipling
Kylen looked at McQueen as he poured a scotch for himself and, as an
afterthought, one for her as well.
"It's a highly ordered and structured way of life, Kylen." McQueen shifted
his gaze back to her, only to find that Kylen was looking at him as if he had
two heads.
"Colonel McQueen, I may not know much about the military, but my head doesn't
screw on and off," she said evenly.
"That's one thing I know for sure," he said, giving her his 'almost' smile.
"But can you follow orders? Can you live without questioning everything?"
"Colonel, the Marine Corps has obviously worked for you. It is a way of life
that answers a particular need in you. Nathan seems to like it well enough.
Why not me? Besides, I'll be a civilian employee - and my job will be to
question things." McQueen did not answer her. Kylen had asked him another
question and he thought she had just proved his point.
Kylen went on: "So, you obviously don't think I have what it takes to be one
of the Few and the Proud. Does that mean you also think that I don't have
what is needed to even work for the Corps?"
McQueen was able to answer without hesitation. "I don't question your
sincerity, Kylen. You are just too much the civilian. It is the difference
between involvement and commitment."
"How so?"
"You see it at breakfast all the time," he said. "Ham and eggs. You can say
that the chicken was involved, but the pig was definitely committed."
It made Kylen giggle. She was surprised at how often his maxims about The
Corps made her laugh. She knew that he did not catch the irony of eggs: He
certainly knew the military definition of scrambled eggs and undoubtedly used
the term, but he probably wouldn't appreciate the joke right now. The term
was used to describe the gold metallic decorations on the brim of an
officer's hat. He would have scrambled eggs on his cover. I'll never be
able to read or hear 'Green Eggs and Ham' again without thinking of McQueen
and the Marine Corps.
McQueen continued. "Eisenhower once said: 'When you put on the uniform you
accept certain inhibitions.'"
It clicked inside her mind. That's it. Putting on the uniform may come with
its own set of responsibilities and inhibitions, but it also came with an
identity and a belonging that was historic and honored. It came with rights
and privileges. Esprit de corps. The Marine Corps was not temporary. She
had been right - he had been grandstanding. Part of her relaxed. Kylen then
leapfrogged at least one of his thoughts.
"Our relationship is going to change anyway," she offered.
"How so?" McQueen asked. He had recognized this fact since the night that
Kylen had broken into the Clinic. She had earlier even written him the words:
'This is a season we have to live through.' It wasn't what Kylen had
originally meant, but it would serve. 'A season.' Yes, it would change, but
he was interested in knowing her take on things.
Kylen took a deep breath and spoke. "Well, I hope our relationship - whatever
you want to call it - But I hope that our real relationship doesn't change;
our inside relationship. How we ... oh, I don't know the right word.... How
we connect with each other; it is going to change. You have the birds on
your shoulders already but someday, before too long, there will be a formal
ceremony. They will pin them on your dress blues and you will get your
newest medals and cameras will flash. You will be the highest ranking, most
decorated InVitro in the history of The United States. I don't know where
they are going to put you, but I doubt you will be hidden away. They are
going to want you out front somehow. Equal opportunity in the military.
Interviews with the heroic InVitro. And how you will hate it all. Even if
you get back to the Saratoga, there will be another layer of command between
you and the 5-8. There are going to be layers of security and protocol
between your duties and walking along the pier with me in Maine. I hope I
can stay your three o'clock buddy, but I know that you will probably be
unable to stay mine. Even if you wanted to be."
"Three o'clock buddy?" he asked.
"The truest friends are those people you can call at three in the morning.
And, I want you to know, I thought of that before I ever read it anyplace
else."
This was new stuff to McQueen. He wanted to consider the concept. People
you can call at three am; who aren't surprised or angry when you do. I bet
West would really appreciate that. Calls from the 'Old Man' at 0300. But
then again....I can see Kylen rolling over in bed and handing Nathan the
phone saying: 'It's Coop,' and then rolling back over and going back to sleep
without missing a beat. They will probably always have three am friends;
accepting it as a reality like the sun coming up and of equal importance. Oh
yea, she is a Little Puke all right. Geez, McQueen, open mouth, insert foot,
chew vigorously.
As usual Kylen had already moved ahead. "Politics and misery make strange
bedfellows. Isn't there a line about war doing the same? If there isn't -
there should be. You know, McQueen, I sometimes think that we both need to
wear signs around our necks that say "Under Repair." She paused and prepared
herself to speak an uncomfortable truth.
"I recognize certain facts," she said. "I recognize that we are both sitting
here in Dale Steinbeck's kitchen due to some pretty outrageous circumstances.
The circumstances of the war and the peace conference - the very fact that
my family lives in New England," she chuckled. "If we would have met any
other way .... If there hadn't been any aliens .... If I was living on
Tellus .... If, somehow, you had been made the C.O. of the 58th. And if you
were posted to sentry duty. I may have met you .... If there had been some
official reception on Tellus perhaps .... We'd have been introduced by
Nathan. If that would have happened, you would have been stringently polite
.... I'm sure that the Marines have the protocol all laid out. 'Recommended
Customs When Meeting the Family of Subordinates' .... You would have taken my
hand, made a minute's worth of 'Pleasure to meet you' small talk and then
passed me off to the next person in the receiving line, mentally crossing me
off the list of dull civilians to whom you had to make your manners. Happy
to be done with me and hoping that there wouldn't be dancing after the
dinner. If… If...If..." She gave a sardonic smile.
McQueen was flattened by her seemingly casual analysis. Kylen was absolutely
correct in her assessment, and it hit him in the solar plexus. If my leg
hadn't been blown off. If she hadn't spent almost a year and a half in the
mines. If she hadn't met me half naked and high. If she hadn't held my head
while I puked my guts out. If she hadn't recognized the Goethe quote.
McQueen shook his head. I have wanted so many times to be rid of her. To
not have to bother. But here I am again, sitting with her in someone else's
kitchen, after midnight, drinking scotch .
"If," he whispered.
"It sounds like we are going to break out into a Kipling recitation. 'If you
can keep your head..., '" she said.
"I don't know Kipling," he admitted, once again glad for her rapid-fire
change of direction.
"British; The Raj in India. Victorian, therefore sentimental by definition.
Unfortunately, made far too charming by Disney. But he did write some great
short stories. Fables. A few really good poems and verses. One in
particular is titled 'If' - which like Hamlet's 'To be or not to be' has been
watered down and trivialized by overuse and bad readings. I've been reading
that poem a lot lately, but he doesn't need to know that, she thought.
Kylen placed one of her calloused and battered little hands over his.
"Part of it goes: 'If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve
your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in
you except the will which says to them: 'Hold on.'"
During the brief speech Kylen had gripped McQueen's hand almost as tightly as
she had at Thanksgiving. He was again taken aback by how well Kylen had come
to know him. McQueen could think of nothing to say. Kylen came to his aid
with a light touch. She changed her tone.
"Look him up. Dale is bound to have a volume or two in his library. He is a
'Captains Courageous' kind of guy." Kylen paused again. They had gotten off
topic. It was not the point. Not the point at all.
"So, tell me, Six," Kylen prompted.
"Tell you what?" McQueen responded
"Tell me why you don't think I should take Howard up on his offer to work for
Intelligence." Her voice was smooth and reasonable, but the demand was clear.
"You and I know, Kylen, that they want information that they think you may
have," he responded with an equally reasonable tone. As he spoke, he started
to pick leisurely at the dessert she had cut and placed before him, sculpting
the whipped cream into small peaks. "They can get that from you without you
signing on, even as a civilian. You are working closely with Howard as it
is, so, why is it that you wish to sign on - to work for us? That is my
question."
Kylen stared into her scotch. Hoping for a vision. She knew that she didn't
have an answer. And she knew that McQueen knew it too.
Previous : Chapter Twenty-Seven
|