Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Space" Above and Beyond" are the creations of Glen Morgan and James Wong, Fox Broadcasting and Hard Eight Productions, and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.
However, this story is mine and should not be used without my express permission.
Dear God, Shane, you can't be gone.
God. Why did I say 'God'? I don't believe in God. Do I? How am I supposed to? Wang, Damphousse, you -- you all did, didn't you? And now you're all gone.
I keep saying that, thinking that.
You guys were all I had. West -- West has a family, has Kylen, has a million memories to keep him alive. What do I have?
I loved you, did you know that? Do you? I have this overwhelming urge to go to the rec room and play 'Never No More' endlessly. But I know I'll just end up breaking something - probably my head. Was this how you felt when John got blown up by the Chigs?
God, I hope not.
I can still see you standing there, cool and beautiful, looking at that moon like it was some kind of vision. What did you see out there? I look out and all I see is Wang's APC going down. All I hear is your voice saying "I won't leave her. Semper Fi, my friends."
You can't be dead, Shane, I never even kissed you.
I mean really kissed you.
I know what you thought of me when we first met. Stupid tank, you thought, disgust flashing in your eyes. One step up from a stinking AI. Stupid tank.
On Demios, when you lied about that radio, I could have killed you, I was that mad. You lied to me, that was all I could think about. To me. But I proud of you, too. You really were a queen, Shane. You kept focused, in control. You held your head high while the rest of us grubbed in the dirt. I think that was what made me the most mad, and the most proud. You knew the radio was fried, you knew there wasn't any hope.
But you still kept it alive.
Later, when you cried, all I wanted was to hug you and take you away. Away from the war, away from the pain, away. But where would we have gone? And you wouldn't have wanted to, anyway.
With me, I mean.
On Anvil, on that moon, when we captured that Chig -- me, I wouldn't have let that thing live, even without knowing it was a Chig. I would have killed it without a second thought. Get back home alive, that's what was important.
You should have thought the same, Shane. Maybe then you'd be here now.
You could have stopped me, on that moon. You could have ordered me to stay, to let that thing go. But you didn't, you let me go. You knew that though part of me was wrong, part of me was right, too. You let me go, even though you didn't want to. Because I made sense. Because I counted. Because I was somebody.
It meant a lot.
But not as much as the look in your eyes when I came back without killing it.
I'm better than a Chig, Shane. You knew that, didn't you?
I miss you already. Your smile, your sharp remarks, that wicked gleam in your eyes. Your sarcastic comments. Your bullying ways. God, I miss you.
Wang and 'Phousse - I know I should cry for them, too. And I do, but it's not the same. West says I should mourn you all the same because we all met at the same time. He says we all "rode the same glory, suffered the same pain." He says "There shouldn't be any shades, any difference in the levels of loss."
What a load of bullshit.
And what does he know, he's got Kylen back.
And I've lost you.
How do I tell him, Shane? How can I make it him understand that I don't have one shining memory that you're not a part of?
He should understand. Him most of all.
My life began in the Corps, as one of the Wildcards. I never thought that I would have to fight this war without you. It never occurred to me, not once, that we wouldn't all die together.
How do I do this, Shane?
How did you?
Do you remember when we were lost in the River of Stars? McQueen's voice telling us to have faith, to hold on?
I finally understand how strong West really is. How strong he must've been, to keep himself together, to keep believing.
Wang is dead, Shane. I saw his plane go down. But you and Damphousse, I have to believe you're alive. Because if you're not, none of this makes any sense.
Did you love me, even just a little?
You can't be gone, Shane. You can't be gone.
"Take her home,"' you said, so that West would leave you. "I won't leave her."
Semper Fi, Shane.
I won't leave you.
I'll find you. I'll bring you home.
Believe in me.
I'm coming, Shane.
I'll find you.
I won't leave you.
I'll bring you home.
© Jessi Albano 29th January 1998